Category Archives: We’re All Going to Die

Mouthwash May Cause Oral Cancer, Should Become Prescription Drug Like Valium or Cigarettes

This is why it’s pointless to do anything but sit still and wait to die. Via The Consumerist

Posted in But Who Asked You?, I Wouldn't Drink That if I Were You, Told You, We're All Going to Die

‘Third-Hand’ Smoke Latest Threat to Health β€” Even Thinking of Smoking Takes 3 Years Off Your Life

It’s that smoke stink β€” in hair, on clothes, exuding from furniture. β€œThe central message here is that simply closing the kitchen door to take a smoke is not protecting the kids from the effects of that smoke,” he said. … Continue reading

Posted in But What About the Children?, Just Say No to Everything, This Is So Not Good, We're All Going to Die | 1 Comment

Crises Drive Masses to Church, Clergy Delighted, Pray for Plagues, Locusts, Another Mediocre Season of ‘Heroes’

So as the ground begins to shift beneath our feet, we hightail it to church and pray for a safe place to stand. This is news to no one except the New York Times. “Yes, this economic crisis has been … Continue reading

Posted in The Sacred, Wakey Wakey!, We're All Going to Die

China Threatens France Over Meeting with Dalai Lama, French Immediately Surrender, Partition Country, Deport Buddhists

Man, talk about sensitive! Some superpower. Call into question the morality of destroying a tiny neighboring country and its culture, and suddenly it’s “We’re outta here!” I say we retaliate in kind: If the Chinese impose sanctions against France, every … Continue reading

Posted in As Dead as the Macarena, But What About the Children?, Please Spare Us and We'll Be Your Very Bestest Friend, Please Stop Killing Everyone, We're All Going to Die

‘Good’ Cholesterol Now Bad, ‘Bad’ Is Good: The Heavens Rage and America Scarfs One More Fat Burger for Spite

Have these so-called researchers never read Isaiah 5:20? I wish these maniacs would make up their mind. Every six months, they contradict the “conventional” wisdom about what’s going to kill us, and so a disgusted public declines into a frenzy … Continue reading

Posted in I Wouldn't Eat That if I Were You, Please Spare Us and We'll Be Your Very Bestest Friend, Socially Acceptable Vices, We're All Going to Die, What Would John Wayne Do? | 2 Comments

We’ve Been in a Recession Since Last December, We’ve Always Been in a Recession Since Last December, Oceania Is at War with Eastasia, Oceania Has ALWAYS Been at War with Eastasia

It only took this long to figure out because the big calculatey thing was busted for, like, six months, and then Bob went on vacation, and then Lou got married, and then the dinosaurs came …

Posted in 2 + 2 = Whatever I Damn Well Say It Equals, We're All Going to Die

Nuclear or Biological Attack Coming, the Only Question Is Whether Planet Will Be Ruled by Apes or Alien Spirit Beasts from 4th Dimension

Which is the subtext of the Post article. It’s really sub. Like sub-sub. You gotta dig. No, lower … Pakistan’s buildup of nuclear arms also threatens to exacerbate a regional arms race, while presenting opportunities for terrorists to acquire weapons … Continue reading

Posted in Our Only Hope Is in Out of Space, This Is Why I Never Leave My Apartment, We're All Going to Die