This is why it’s pointless to do anything but sit still and wait to die.
Via The Consumerist
Category Archives: We’re All Going to Die
‘Third-Hand’ Smoke Latest Threat to Health — Even Thinking of Smoking Takes 3 Years Off Your Life
It’s that smoke stink — in hair, on clothes, exuding from furniture.
“The central message here is that simply closing the kitchen door to take a smoke is not protecting the kids from the effects of that smoke,” he said. “There are carcinogens in this third-hand smoke, and they are a cancer risk for anybody of any age who comes into contact with them.”
Among the substances in third-hand smoke are hydrogen cyanide, used in chemical weapons; butane, which is used in lighter fluid; toluene, found in paint thinners; arsenic; lead; carbon monoxide; and even polonium-210, the highly radioactive carcinogen that was used to murder former Russian spy Alexander V. Litvinenko in 2006. Eleven of the compounds are highly carcinogenic.
The stuff even kills Russian spies! I mean, nothing kills Russian spies! You can roll tanks over them morning, noon, and night, and they’ll take a swig of vodka and be on their merry way doing spy stuff!
What more proof do you need? Stop with the smoking! Start eating large amounts of fried lard balls like the rest of us! Sure, that’ll kill you too, but at least your kids’ cholesterol levels won’t also skyrocket as a result. Unless, of course, they inherit our eating habits, in which case we’re just killing everybody all the time.
OH I GIVE UP.
Crises Drive Masses to Church, Clergy Delighted, Pray for Plagues, Locusts, Another Mediocre Season of ‘Heroes’
So as the ground begins to shift beneath our feet, we hightail it to church and pray for a safe place to stand.
This is news to no one except the New York Times.
“Yes, this economic crisis has been good for business,” said the pastor of a would-be megachurch (current weekly attendance: 6) who agreed to speak to Strange Herring because no one else ever wants to talk to him.
“People begin to question their priorities and how they’ve been living the lives. ‘Do I need to visit a prostitute every week? Is that bomb shelter made from rusted parts of neighbors’ minivans really worth the time I could otherwise be spending terrifying my family with the prospect of economic doom and invasions from South America? Have I considered what God wants, so long as it doesn’t take more than 45 minutes or include elaborate French sauces?’ You know, stuff like that.”
When asked if he saw a drop in weekly offerings because of the recession, he said: “I emphasize the tithe with great fervor. I make every member cough up their tax returns, weekly pay stubs, checkbook registers, to make sure they’re coming through with what’s mine — I mean God’s. You don’t want to steal from God. That’s the whole point of the Gospel: God sent His Son so we’d be free to pay him back before taxes.”
China Threatens France Over Meeting with Dalai Lama, French Immediately Surrender, Partition Country, Deport Buddhists
Man, talk about sensitive! Some superpower. Call into question the morality of destroying a tiny neighboring country and its culture, and suddenly it’s “We’re outta here!”
I Have No Idea Who These People Are
I say we retaliate in kind: If the Chinese impose sanctions against France, every U.S. citizen should pull every bit of china out of its china cabinets and smash it to bits, then gather up the pieces and mail it to Beijing. The Chinese mail system will become so clogged with packages from all points in America that essential deliveries will come to a halt and the whole country will be thrown into chaos, causing mass riots and civil war that will spill over into border nations, finally washing over Europe, causing a U.S. intervention and a full-blown nuclear war resulting in one-third of the planet’s population being annihilated over a six-week period and generations of seriously deformed children wandering the empty streets, feral and desperate, preying on the undead …
O.K., I need to think this stuff through before I actually get going …
‘Good’ Cholesterol Now Bad, ‘Bad’ Is Good: The Heavens Rage and America Scarfs One More Fat Burger for Spite
Have these so-called researchers never read Isaiah 5:20?
I wish these maniacs would make up their mind. Every six months, they contradict the “conventional” wisdom about what’s going to kill us, and so a disgusted public declines into a frenzy of binge-eating and prescription-drug use.
Remember margarine as a healthy substitute for butter — until they decided that hydrogenated fats would kill you faster? Remember the low-fat-diet craze — until they decided that good fats supposedly helped you lose weight and that people tended to eat low-fat foods in larger quantities than they would real food?
First it was no vitamins, then it was some vitamins, now vitamins will give you cancer.
First it was no vitamin D because it was stored in the body and you can get what you need from the sun. Now the sun will give you cancer and they underestimated the amount of D you need — so start popping those pills.
First it was no weightlifting because it raised blood pressure and made you “muscle-bound” — now weightlifiting prevents osteoporosis and revs your metabolism.
Here’s the last word: We’re all going to die of something. Everyone is wrong about everything. All hail the bacon cheeseburger!
We’ve Been in a Recession Since Last December, We’ve Always Been in a Recession Since Last December, Oceania Is at War with Eastasia, Oceania Has ALWAYS Been at War with Eastasia
It only took this long to figure out because the big calculatey thing was busted for, like, six months, and then Bob went on vacation, and then Lou got married, and then the dinosaurs came …
Nuclear or Biological Attack Coming, the Only Question Is Whether Planet Will Be Ruled by Apes or Alien Spirit Beasts from 4th Dimension
Which is the subtext of the Post article.
It’s really sub. Like sub-sub. You gotta dig. No, lower …
Pakistan’s buildup of nuclear arms also threatens to exacerbate a regional arms race, while presenting opportunities for terrorists to acquire weapons parts and critical technology, the commissioners concluded.
“Pakistan is our ally, but there is a grave danger it could also be an unwitting source of a terrorist attack on the United States — possibly with weapons of mass destruction,” the report says.
There! Did you see it? Ah, man … you’re just not looking hard enough …
