That PB&J Can Kill You, and Don’t Get Me Started on the Deep-Fried Lard Balls

180px-pbjI’ve long known that my lunch was going to be my ultimate undoing, but this is serious. (I went to school with a Sal Monella, by the way, and he was just as unpleasant — and produced many of the same side effects.)

I guess it’s back to pork-loin-in-a-bucket.

UPDATE: Hershey & Conagra products are not effected. So you can eat those Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups until you fall into a diabetic coma. Unless you’re just not into that kind of thing or your insurance payments have lapsed or something.

Hillary Promises to Sign Every Arms Treaty Put in Front of Her Until the U.S. Has the Defensive Capabilities of Belize

belizeOK, honeymoon over.

Although, maybe, just maybe, she’s bluffing. Maybe she intends to get other countries to sign those treaties and then, once they’ve disarmed, go in and take stuff we need right now, like lower COBRA costs and blu-ray DVD burners standard with all laptops.

It could be that new face of diplomacy we’ve been reading about.

As for climate-change initiatives, the Midwest is now a solid block of ice, so I would assume any legislation would entail freely distributed blow torches.

Christopher Hitchens has his own objections to Hillary’s confirmation.

‘Third-Hand’ Smoke Latest Threat to Health — Even Thinking of Smoking Takes 3 Years Off Your Life

cigaretteIt’s that smoke stink — in hair, on clothes, exuding from furniture.

“The central message here is that simply closing the kitchen door to take a smoke is not protecting the kids from the effects of that smoke,” he said. “There are carcinogens in this third-hand smoke, and they are a cancer risk for anybody of any age who comes into contact with them.”

Among the substances in third-hand smoke are hydrogen cyanide, used in chemical weapons; butane, which is used in lighter fluid; toluene, found in paint thinners; arsenic; lead; carbon monoxide; and even polonium-210, the highly radioactive carcinogen that was used to murder former Russian spy Alexander V. Litvinenko in 2006. Eleven of the compounds are highly carcinogenic.

The stuff even kills Russian spies! I mean, nothing kills Russian spies! You can roll tanks over them morning, noon, and night, and they’ll take a swig of vodka and be on their merry way doing spy stuff!

What more proof do you need? Stop with the smoking! Start eating large amounts of fried lard balls like the rest of us! Sure, that’ll kill you too, but at least your kids’ cholesterol levels won’t also skyrocket as a result. Unless, of course, they inherit our eating habits, in which case we’re just killing everybody all the time.

OH I GIVE UP.

Crises Drive Masses to Church, Clergy Delighted, Pray for Plagues, Locusts, Another Mediocre Season of ‘Heroes’

peopleenteringachurch2So as the ground begins to shift beneath our feet, we hightail it to church and pray for a safe place to stand.

This is news to no one except the New York Times.

“Yes, this economic crisis has been good for business,” said the pastor of a would-be megachurch (current weekly attendance: 6) who agreed to speak to Strange Herring because no one else ever wants to talk to him.

“People begin to question their priorities and how they’ve been living the lives. ‘Do I need to visit a prostitute every week? Is that bomb shelter made from rusted parts of neighbors’ minivans really worth the time I could otherwise be spending terrifying my family with the prospect of economic doom and invasions from South America? Have I considered what God wants, so long as it doesn’t take more than 45 minutes or include elaborate French sauces?’ You know, stuff like that.”

When asked if he saw a drop in weekly offerings because of the recession, he said: “I emphasize the tithe with great fervor. I make every member cough up their tax returns, weekly pay stubs, checkbook registers, to make sure they’re coming through with what’s mine — I mean God’s. You don’t want to steal from God. That’s the whole point of the Gospel: God sent His Son so we’d be free to pay him back before taxes.”