Mississippi is not alone in the modern debate over the sanctity of life. More than 4,000 miles away, the Netherlands is caught up in its own controversy over a proposal from the Dutch Medical Association (KNMG) to expand the definition of who may qualify for assisted suicide — including for the first time such nonmedical factors as loneliness and financial struggles.
“Many older people have various afflictions that are not actually life-threatening but do make them vulnerable,” wrote the KNMG in a ten-year study report published in October.
“Vulnerability stems not only from health problems and the ensuing limitations, but also the measure in which people have social skills, financial resources and a social network.”
Why limit it to the elderly? I know a lot of college students who have no social skills, financial resources, or a social network worth the name. I mean, if Facebook is your only “social network,” then you could argue you have only a virtual quality of life, making 99% of the Occupy folks prime meat for the euthanasia chefs.
Carlos the Jackal says his prison treatment is unfair. The guy’s confirmation name was “The Jackal,” and he’s looking for sympathy. “Carlos said he was not sorry for any of his crimes, but did regret that his constant terrorist atrocities meant ‘I couldn’t bring up my children.’ Carlos, who was jailed in 1997 for the 1975 killing of two French policemen and a police informer, added: ‘I sacrificed my family life. I was an absent husband most of the time.’” Yes, being a bloodthirsty killer will definitely eat into quality family time.
Dr. Awad al-Qarni, a Saudi cleric, has offered to pay $100,000 to anyone who kidnaps an Israeli soldier who is then traded for a gaggle of imprisoned Palestinians. Dr. Al-Qarni, who holds a doctorate in Surf Science and Technology from Southern Cross University in Australia, was busy with his sock puppets when Strange Herring contacted the psych ward at Riyadh Military Hospital for comment.
President Obama told Jay Leno that the execution of Colonel Qaddafi sends a message to other dictators: “Remember to always wear clean underwear because you never know when you’re going to be dragged through the streets by angry countrymen eager to bury you in an unmarked grave deep in the desert.”
And finally, Barry White did not leave a will, so you may have some money coming to you.
So a town in Alabama is giving convicted nonviolent criminals a choice: Jesus or jail. But, in a larger sense, isn’t that the choice we all face, allowing for the fact that the prison we hope to avoid probably doesn’t have cable or an ample supply of Solarcaine?
Denizens of Orange County insist their home Bible studies are being targeted by government officials, and that it has nothing to do with an illegal number of house guests. Are they sure the government is after them because they’re reading the Bible and not simply because they’re reading? Some folks are very intimidated by this activity.
That remake of Red Dawn that no one was waiting for will finally see the light of day, with the Chinese digitally remastered as North Koreans — the officially approved hateable communists. Although who would believe the North Koreans could effectively stage an invasion of the continental United States? Only the North Koreans, who may wind up the prime audience for this thing.
Those new Sourpuss apps are terrifying users into switching to Google+. Once everyone learns that the “plus” means “mononucleosis,” however, they’ll run back to pads and pens. And I’ll be waiting. With my warehouses filled with pads … and pens. And my maniacal laugh.
A 96-year-old Florida woman has been arrested for the murder of her 27-year-old nephew. I say just forget the whole thing. I mean, let’s assume it wasn’t self-defense, and she shot the nephew just to watch him die. Is the death penalty really going to act as a deterrent? I mean, these nonagenarians are just incorrigible, with their Lawrence Welk and talk of “Frigidaires” and “the war.”
Kevin Costner is definitely out of Quentin Tarantino’s Leone-homage Django Unchained. “Costner was going to play Woody, a humorless and sadistic trainer of the male fighting slaves who entertain the white patrons of Candyland, a hellhole that also used female slaves as prostitutes. Candyland is the club and ranch owned by Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio), and Ace Woody is the one who pits the ‘mandingo’ fighters against one another, and who has little qualms about mistreating and even killing the slaves who don’t measure up.” I swear that was an episode of The Odd Couple.
Middle-age naked men protest in San Francisco for not being able to run around naked and terrorize the ocular-abled. No link until they invent a pill that can make you unsee things. And then transport you to a place and time when such things would never happen in the first place.
Rumor has it that Arnold has commissioned three 8-foot bronze statues of himself in his steroid-enhanced prime. Supposedly they will do his acting for him as well, which will make them tax-deductible.
Women in Saudi Arabia now have the right to vote for whoever King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz al-Saud wants elected. You’ve come a long way, حياتي
So Charlie Sheen will finally get what’s coming to him: $25 million now and $100 million later. And some people say there’s no God. And now you know why.
The Big Bang Theory, a favorite of mine, has a scientist fact-checking all the science. Good, because if the quantum brain dynamics stuff isn’t accurate, it kills the joke for me.
Can we still return Shane Bauer to Iran? It hasn’t been two weeks. And he’s in his original condition, which is obviously drunk or stupid.
Some pre-adolescent British lads were caught cage fighting, and now there’s a stink. Where do these school marms think the next generation of football hooligans is going to come from? The LSE?
Last meals may be things of the past for those on death row, at least in Texas, where they execute a lot of people. Going forward, the condemned will be offered a mint, a year-old copy of Maxim, and a gift card to Border’s.
Men are so 1546. It’s true: there was a debate and the guy who runs Men’s Health lost.
The Talk Radio ratings are in, and the right still dominates. The left initially insisted it was because most people listen in their cars, and only rich people have cars. When it was pointed out that poor people actually live in their cars, liberals finally admitted that class warfare just works better with pictures.
Sinead O’Connor may soon find herself in a rubber room tearing pieces of paper without the pope’s picture on it. Seriously, somebody do something before she pulls a Del Shannon.
Do Barry Manilow and Vince Vaughn know Ron Paul is pro-life? Or do they think that means something else, like everybody should just get a swinging life already?
D.G. Hart says evangelicals like Billy Graham and Sarah Palin betrayed Christianity. Hmm. I tend to blame Christians, but I’m always out of the loop on these things.
Red-shirted kindergarteners threaten to unify public school system, throw out French, Spanish. (Whaddaya mean you don’t get it? Oh, read a book …)
Hurricane Irene is being blamed for the upcoming pumpkin shortage. For those who can’t image Halloween without a jack-o-lantern, tough. It’s a stupid holiday. Your costumes are lame, I don’t want to give you candy, and if you come near me with the shaving cream or eggs I am perfectly capable of killing you. Trick that treat. Moron.
Just when you would have expected desperadoes to take their economic frustrations out on unsuspecting citizens too depressed to put up much resistance, crime figures are actually at ludicrous lows:
The number of violent crimes in the United States dropped significantly last year, to what appeared to be the lowest rate in nearly 40 years, a development that was considered puzzling partly because it ran counter to the prevailing expectation that crime would increase during a recession.
In all regions, the country appears to be safer. The odds of being murdered or robbed are now less than half of what they were in the early 1990s, when violent crime peaked in the United States. Small towns, especially, are seeing far fewer murders: In cities with populations under 10,000, the number plunged by more than 25 percent last year.
Speculations as to the reason for this unexpected outbreak of social order can be found here. But I have my own theories:
1. Some people just love to disappoint. Tell some kids to go right, and they go left, to sit down, and they stand up. So tell criminals we’re all waiting for them to rise to our low expectations and they open lemonade stands instead.
2. Thugs are too poor to buy guns on the black market.
3. No one has anything left worth stealing.
4. “Crime” is so 1980s.
5. “Crime” has been redefined as that which can only occur in the presence of one appetizer and two sides at a Red Lobster.
The Transformers’ Megan Fox is waiting to have children because she doesn’t think she has enough money yet. My guess is that she doesn’t have enough money to raise children in the style to which her richer Hollywood friends have accustomed their own children.
Jennifer Aniston is not dull. Please stop spreading those rumors in your homilies.
It seems the FBI may be in for some sensitivity training. If they just replace “Muslims” with “Methodists,” they’re probably good to go.
Some California atheists are set to rip pages out of the Bible they deem icky: “ ‘We’re not there to burn the Bible or desecrate,’ Bruce Gleason, director of Backyard Skeptics, said. … Group members will rip out verses … such as Deuteronomy 22: 14-31, which says if a man finds his wife not to be a virgin, the community can stone her.” When journalists asked what a virgin was, Gleason was not 100% certain and said he’d have to get back to them.
President Obama has signed the America Invents Act into law, and you didn’t even know it. “Under the bill, which the House approved back in June, patents would be awarded not to the first person to invent a technology, but to the first one to actually file with the USPTO, bringing US policy in line with protocol adopted in most other countries.” Oh great, there go my claims of having invented the wheel, food, air, pants, the nose, the letter J, iron, and communism — and after I agreed to go splitsies on communism with beardie, too.
If you're from the future, please do not let me do "Kick-Ass"
The most influential British artist of the 20th century is dead. And no, I’ve never heard of him either. Although I do know the White Album. Brilliant stuff, two, three, four …
A film so revolting in its disgustingness that people are actually passing out during screenings has found a distributor. The Incident tells the moving tale of a couple of moonlighting cooks who find themselves trapped in a booby hatch just when the inmates take charge of the asylum. One of the more mesmerizing episodes involves a crazed denizen roasting one unfortunate alive atop a burning stove. Gordon Ramsay makes a cameo. (I may be mistaken on that last point.)
It’s official: So many people disapprove of President Obama’s performance in office that several pollsters committed suicide rather than tally the results. (The job was left to a security guard at Target, who stands by his count.)
Al-Qaeda psychopath releases message to the world on anniversary of 9/11: “People of earth, we come in peace. We wish only to annihilate everyone born in a month with an “R” in it. Also, the cast from Glee.“
Tom Hooper, able director of The King’s Speech and the John Adams miniseries for HBO, is bringing the Broadway hit musical Les Misérables to the Big Screen. Two big questions remain: Who will play Les? And will it be in 3D? The other Miserables will be played by Seth Rogen, Will Farrell, Jonah Hill, Steve Carell, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and John C. Reilly.
The World Evangelical Alliance has set a date for its next assembly, 2014, guaranteeing that the Rapture will not happen before then. Among the memorable guest speakers are people with unpronounceable names who will make pronouncements so easily forgotten that attendees will spend most of their time setting a date for the next assembly, even as date setting is declared “unfortunate.”
The number of Americans who fashion their own religions to meet their personal needs is up, according to the New York Stock Exchange. Zeus futures are down, while “trusting the Universe” and Tower of Babel securities saw a slight uptick in modest trading. Among the needs that still need to be met after traditional religion has failed to meet them are financial security, a happy marriage, improved health, and eternal life.
That’s all for now. I’m Patty Hearst. Thanks for watching.
Don’t you hate looters? A civil war is traumatic enough. You don’t need to start taking other people’s stuff to add to the confusion. People keep receipts for a reason, you know.
Plus, we like our civil wars to aim higher than burglary, and by higher, I mean 12,000 feet, at least for the time being:
Defeated in battle, Moammar Gadhafi’s army left behind armories brimming with weapons, and the rebels have helped themselves. It’s not just guns that have been plundered. Almost every outpost captured by opposition forces has yielded weapons — everything from AK-47 assault rifles to grenades to surface-to-air missiles (SAMs). And the rebels tell ABC News that they don’t have enough resources to safeguard them all — which means they may wind up in the hands of people who have other agendas than defeating Gadhafi.
According to Peter Bouckaert, emergencies director at Human Rights Watch, the weapons the looters want most, and take first, are the SAMs.
HRW estimates there are 20,000 surface-to-air missiles in Libya, and many of those are now missing. Some are recent Russian-made SAMs, capable of shooting down aircraft flying as high as 11,000 feet.
Secretary of State Clinton wants the rebels to start doing a better job of protecting those stockpiles of arms. Because a mine is a terrible thing to waste.
If anyone in my reading audience should come across one of these SAMs on Craigslist or eBay or in a yard sale, please call Homeland Security. And whatever you do, don’t bid higher than $30. It only encourages them.
This has been a week of high-end cloth merchants expressing outrage over who dared wear their wares.
First it was Abercrombie and Fitch, which puts out a catalog that is illegal to mail to known sex offenders, offering “The Situation,” front man for Jersey Shore, money, cash, gulden, geetus, to please, please stop sporting their sportswear:
This association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans,” the company said in a news release.
Their fans? Who, pedophiles? Aspirational? And what exactly is it they are aspiring to, eight-to-ten in Indiana State Prison for statutory rape?
Not that I’d want anything I manufactured associated with someone called The Situation. Unless he was, like, Prince Situation of Abu Dhabi or something. Then, sure, we’ll talk.
Breivik was pictured wearing a red Lacoste jumper as he left a courthouse in Oslo on 25 July, and he has been seen wearing a black Lacoste sweater on at least one other occasion.
The mass killer, whose request for an open hearing and the opportunity to wear a uniform was denied, referred to Lacoste on a number of occasions in a rambling “manifesto” that emerged after the attacks.
In one section, he advised would-be followers to wear “Lacoste etc, conservative colours” in order not to arouse suspicion.
At another point, referring to his solitary existence while preparing for the attacks, he wrote of the “mostly unrefined/un-cultivated [sic]” people in the area where he was living.
“I wear mostly the best pieces from my former life, which consists of very expensive brand clothing, LaCoste [sic] sweaters,piques etc. People can see from a mile away that I’m not from around here.”
Yeah, don’t you hate it when people refuse to dress for a homocidal rampage? I mean, people, show a little class. You’re on the television. (And by the way, “jumper” is what the Brits call a pullover shirt; it is not a suicidal office worker, although you’d have to kill me before I’d be caught dead in that hideous Santa Clausey thing. Conservative? Yeah, for the Chinese Socialist Workers Dance Party maybe.)
Man, what I wouldn’t pay to have people pay me not to wear their stuff. The Italian duds, watches, and footswear alone would issue in a small fortune. Look, I promise never to wear Armani, Gucci, Pucci, Fiorucci, Versace, Dolce and Gabbani, Cavalli, Ferragamo, or Chef Boyardee (which tends to splatter). Let’s cut a deal.
I can hear it now from anti-Westerners: Do you see the condition of your culture? Its materialism, superficiality, crassness, brutality? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what condition is our condition in exactly?
Yeah, I know. That was kinda forced. But I couldn’t help myself. I had that song in my head. And between it and the voices, I needed to do something.
You could have seen this coming a mile away, assuming you were standing far enough back from the crematoria:
The copy editor probably assumed i
