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Category Archives: Please Spare Us and We’ll Be Your Very Bestest Friend

If Anyone Has Seen Kim Jong-un Would You Please Tell Him His Lights Are On? Thank You.

14 Apr
Archvillain. Arching my eyebrow. Get it?

Archvillain. Arching my eyebrow. Get it?

So the Supreme Leader formerly known as Kim Jong-woon has not been seen in public for two weeks. Hmmm. What could this mean?

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public for the past two weeks [EDITOR: I JUST SAID THAT] sparking widespread speculation amid escalating tensions in the Korean Peninsula.

Unconfirmed reports which suggested a coup against the leader have been rubbished by experts in Seoul citing no unusual military movement in the country.

Alongside a flurry of threats from North Korea, Kim’s absence has set rumour mills rolling. One question being asked is whether Pyongyang has been forced to tone down its war rhetoric against the US and South Korea.

Kim was last seen in public on 1 April when he headed a parliamentary session. The leader has been missing in action for the last 15 days at a time when the country is set to mark the birth anniversary of his grandfather and former leader of North Korea Kim Il-sung.

It is widely speculated that North Korea will launch a ballistic missile to mark the occasion.

So if there has been no coup by saner (relatively speaking) heads afraid that Kim is about to spark a nuclear holocaust, could Dennis Rodman’s BFF be hiding out in his “underground lair” in order to prevent spoilage due to nuclear fallout?

Given that communists have proved to be on the right side of history ever since Marx first bummed money from Friedrich Engels to buy a new mustache cup, I can only imagine that whatever is going on can only lead to the liberation of marginalized and oppressed peoples everywhere.

That, in case you didn’t know, was sarcasm. In fact, I think this whole mess calls for Jack Burton. And yes, I know it’s not called Big Trouble in North Korea, but I’ve been looking for an excuse to link to this video for weeks.

 
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Posted by on April 14, 2013 in OK You're Creeping Me Out, Please Spare Us and We'll Be Your Very Bestest Friend, Please Stop Killing Everyone, Run for Your Life

 

More than a Quarter of Brits Are Depressed, 55% of Greek Youth Are Unemployed, and 100% of Your Abortion Will Be Paid for by French Socialists! This Day in Terrible Euro Numbers!

02 Oct

So, for whatever reason, the people who gave us Charlie Chaplin, Laurel & Hardy, Monty Python, Peter Sellers, and Rowan Atkinson are really, really depressed. In fact, British workers are the most depressed in the world, and that includes salt miners in India!

British workers are the most likely to be diagnosed with depression in Europe, a survey has found.

The worrying extent of the illness in the UK was laid bare by the poll that revealed 26 per cent of Britons had received the diagnosis from their GP, compared with 12 per cent of Italians.

Those in the UK also took the most time off as a result of the illness, recording 41 days on average compared with the European mean of 36.

The study from the European Depression Association, also revealed than one in 10 working people in Europe have taken time off because of the debilitating psychological condition, which is equivalent to 21,000 lost working days. In 2010, depression was estimated to cost the EU £73billion.Despite the size of the problem, nearly one in three managers reported they had no formal support or resources to deal with employees who have depression, and 43 per cent called for better policies and legislation to protect employees. [emphasis emphasized]

Here’s one possible solution: import more Italians.

And Greece is experiencing an unemployment rate among its yutes that is just staggering: 55.4% in August, with Spain’s just behind it, at 52.9%. Spain has the worst total unemployment figure, at more than 25% — almost as many workers are unemployed in Spain as there are depressed people in the United Kingdom. Forget the Italians: If you gave the Spaniards the British jobs and gave the Brits a vacation in Spain …

Well, France has its own solution to the crisis in Europe: more abortions!

France on Monday unveiled a package of reforms designed to increase access to abortion, including 100 percent reimbursement of medical costs by the state social security system. …

At present French women are only able to claim back between 70 and 80 percent of the costs, which average between 200 and 450 euros depending on whether the abortion is induced by medication taken at home or carried out by surgical procedure in a clinic. …

The government also announced that it would increase the amounts clinics are allowed to charge for carrying out abortions to bring them closer into line with their real costs and to facilitate better support for patients.

Oh, good. I was worried that French abortion clinics were not bringing in enough cash. It’s like a thing with me, ever since … the accident. And there’s no reason why any woman should have to bear any of the costs for not bearing a child. That is so obviously the role of the state that to even discuss it in 2012 shows what a slow news day it is.

There is no social problem that progressives cannot solve by eliminating the most elementary social unit: the individual human being. They’re like geniuses. Or psychopaths. I have a hard time telling the difference, ever since … the accident.

 
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Posted by on October 2, 2012 in A Strange Controversy, Please Spare Us and We'll Be Your Very Bestest Friend, Please Stop Killing Everyone

 

Madonna Tells Audience Not to Vote for Obama but for a ‘Black Muslim.’ In Other News, ‘Mommy and Daddy’ to Be Banned in France

26 Sep

So we know Madge went to high school…

So this is how a career ends, this is how a career ends, not with a bang but a titter.

Is it possible for one person to be this ignorant and function on a daily basis? (I guess. There were those Republican nominees…)

Y’all better vote for f–king Obama, OK? For better or for worse, all right? We have a black Muslim in the White House. Now that’s some amazing s–t,” she said. “It means there is hope in this country. And Obama is fighting for gay rights, so support the man, goddamnit. …

“I’ve seen some scary things,” she said at the time. “I’ve seen people being locked up and put in jail for speaking their minds, for being gay, for not practicing the right religion, for not dressing the proper way. Yeah, it’s scary. But what it made me realize is how lucky I am to be living here in America. It doesn’t mean that this is the perfect country. We have a long way to go.”

I’ve seen scary things too. And there are more to come.

Later in the show, Madonna took off her shirt and pulled down her pants to show she had “OBAMA” written in all capital letters across her lower back.

“When Obama is in the White House for a second term I’ll take it all off,” she said to cheers and whistles from the audience.

If that doesn’t motivate you to vote for Romney, nothing will.

Not to be outdone by a has-been superstar, Lady Gaga is also letting it all hang out, to demonstrate that she’s (a) not fat, and (b) has been struggling with bulimia since she was 15.

Should Madonna take some of the blame for that?

All I know is that if Justin Bieber ever starts stripping off, I’m calling Verizon and cancelling my broadband connection.

IN OTHER NEWS: France…

UPDATE: Madonna says she was only being ironic, which is why you shouldn’t drink and iron. ize.

 
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Posted by on September 26, 2012 in "Entertainment", No I Don't Want to See Your Boobies, Picture of the Day, Please Spare Us and We'll Be Your Very Bestest Friend

 

’60 Minutes’ Censors Interview with Obama, Cuts President’s Admission ‘I Kinda Liked Stars Wars: Episode 1′

24 Sep

So while being interviewed by 60 Minutes, President Obama apparently admitted to goofiness in some of his campaign ads. But for whatever reason, the producers of the award-winning news show, now in its 240th year, cut the clip from the final edit of the interview:

CBS describes the clip this way: “President Obama says some of his campaign ads might ‘go overboard’ or contain mistakes, but most of them simply highlight the differences between him and Gov. Romney.”

“Look, the fact-checkers have had problems with the ads on both sides,” Kroft says to Obama in the unaired clip, “and say they’ve been misleading and in some cases just not true. Does that disturb you? I mean, some of them are your ads.”

Obama responds: “Do we see sometimes us going overboard in our campaign, are there mistakes that are made, areas where there is no doubt somebody could dispute how we are presenting things? You know, that happens in politics.”

Kroft responds: “Aren’t the American entitled to the truth? Or a better version of it?”

Hardly a scandal, but one does wonder which commercials President Obama is alluding to. The one where it is claimed that “As president, I’ve had to make some tough decisions. Sending our men and women onto the shores of Normandy Beach proved the turning point of the war. But thanks to the work of Al Gore and Vice President Biden, our time machine, which the Republicans voted against, because they want time to stand still, enabled me to bring an end to a gruesome chapter in our history, which someone else was responsible for starting.”

And there was this one: “President Barack Obama’s increased funding of medical research enabled him to finally find a cure for the dreaded disease smallpox. If it were not for opposition in the House, which has declared communicable disease the only hope of ridding the world of the poor, he would be well on his way to curing the scourge of our time: big pox.”

A final commercial has the president narrating: “When I took office in August 2012, unemployment was 250%. The dead were piled in the streets. And women were chained to refrigerators and buried up to their necks in piles of dirty clothes so the flies could slowly bore away at their eyes. But in the past month, unemployment has dropped to single digits, the streets are free of rotting corpses, and women are employed in every sector of our society, public and private. With your help this November, I can continue to keep the Republicans at bay, who, if allowed, would send us back to the days of July 2012, when children were forced to work 80 hours a week making mayonnaise sandwiches for the wealthiest Americans; when no one had medical insurance, and so deaths from the common cold and hat hair were commonplace; and 12-year-olds had to buy their own birth control. Can we afford that?”

OK, a little over the top. But it’s the silly season. Romney’s promise to generate “endless free energy from my smile” isn’t exactly credible either.

 
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Posted by on September 24, 2012 in "Entertainment", 2 + 2 = Whatever I Damn Well Say It Equals, Better Late Than Never, Our Only Hope Is in Out of Space, Please Spare Us and We'll Be Your Very Bestest Friend

 

Pakistani Minister Puts Price on Heads of Anti-Islam Filmmaker, Green Day Front Man, Though I May Be Wrong About That Last Part

24 Sep

“Who do you think we are, that freaking Justin Bieber?!”

So Pakistan’s railway minister, Ghulam Ahmad Bilour, has offered $100,000 to anyone who will off the man who made Innocence of Muslims, a ludicrous depiction of the life of Muhammad that makes Islam’s prophet look like one of the Borgias by way of Caligula’s asthmatic cousin, Slappy:

Railway Minister Ghulam Ahmad Bilour announced the bounty at a news conference Saturday, but he made clear to CNN he was speaking for himself and not as a government representative.

Asked whether he was concerned about committing or condoning a crime as a government official, Bilour said, “I am a Muslim first, then a government representative.”

He said he invited the Taliban and al Qaeda to carry out the assassination.

Were these formal invitations, like with embroidered borders? Was there a Save-the-Date?

Keep in mind, Mr. Bilour, who is in desperate need of some downtime from playing with his choo-choos, is a member of the Awami National Party—which is to say, the left-wing party. So you kinda hate to think what the right wingers are up to.

Sen. Zahid Khan, a spokesman for Bilour’s political party, said the minister’s action is not representative of the Awami National Party.

“We believe in nonviolence. How could we make such announcements?” Khan said. “Our party has been fighting against militancy and extremism for years. How could we invite Taliban and al Qaeda to kill someone? Taliban and al Qaeda are our enemies who have killed our loved ones.”

OK, good to know—not that that their loved ones have been killed, certainly, but that Mr. Khan is as fruity as Billie Joe Armstrong, who also went off his nut, it seems, smashing things and saying naughty words when he was told that his band, Green Day, had to wrap up their cover of “Walk Like an Egyptian”:

“I’m not f—ing Justin Bieber, you motherf—–s. You’ve got to be f—ing joking … I got one minute left.” Green Day then smashed their instruments before departing the stage.

Didn’t KISS start that trend, of smashing instruments and refusing to eff Justin Bieber? Again, I’m not overly familiar with the whole rock scene, and have been known to confuse Prince with Queen and stuff like that.

“Billie Joe is seeking treatment for substance abuse. We would like everyone to know that our set was not cut short by Clear Channel and to apologize to those we offended at the iHeartRadio Festival in Las Vegas. We regretfully must postpone some of our upcoming promotional appearances.”

Excellent. Good to hear. Now, would he take the Pakistani minister with him?

For the record, the White House issued a statement apologizing to Pakistan and to all lunatics everywhere for putting them in this position. It offered free downloads of a variety of President Obama’s favorite tunes, including this one:

 
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Posted by on September 24, 2012 in "Entertainment", Please Spare Us and We'll Be Your Very Bestest Friend, Please Stop Killing Everyone, Please Stop Screaming and We Can Go for Ice Cream

 

‘Writer’ Makes Sincere Case for More Sarcasm. Which Is Ironic, No?

06 Sep

After reading this plea for more snark, which reads more like a plea for an intervention of some kind, I am considering giving up the sarcasm business for good. I mean:

I am happy to say that I was barraged with sarcasm during my formative years. My teachers specialized in subtle-but-withering verbal assaults. Many incidents spring to mind: After jackhammering my way through an entire page of Ulysses in a robotic monotone—how was I supposed to know that James Joyce expected the reader to insert the lilts, pauses, and commas intuitively?—my English teacher announced that he was overcome by the “sensitivity” of my reading and would need to “nip out for a fag” in order to compose himself. While the entire class roared with laughter, I flinched and cringed. But I eventually recovered. Better to be verbally humiliated than whacked upside the head, an outcome that was also on offer, and the benefits of which will doubtless be the subject of some future column.

My home life, I am happy to report, was equally sarcasm-riddled and sincerity-free. When I began to embrace the satins and velvets of glam rock, my parents began pointedly tracking the movements of any traveling circuses and keeping me posted on their whereabouts.

Pops and Mamma saved their best sarcasm for each other, often after drinking vats of homemade sloe gin. Like many dudes of his generation, my dad had a tendency to treat his kids, the fruit of his loins, like some random encumbrance that fate had been seen fit to inflict upon him. My mum was quick to nip this line of thinking in the bud with a little gin-fueled faux-gratitude: “It really was so good of you to take me in off the street, especially with these two children in tow. Have I ever thanked you formally?”

Well, that must have been a hell on earth.

I’m happy to say I was not barraged with sarcasm during my formative years. I attribute that to the fact that the lives of most of the working-class folk who comprised my world were simply too prosaic and exhausting, and afforded them neither the necessary ironic distance nor the vocabulary nor the energy to sneer properly at the hypocrisies and absurdities of their circumstances. (Which is to say, if they wanted to put someone in his place, they simply called him an idiot or an ass and left it at that.)

Plus, I think my parents, in fact most of the adults I knew, would have thought it cruel to do to kids, even if it were in them to begin with. (One teacher I remember who did have a penchant for putting students in their place with fits of sarcasm usually picked on kids who were emotionally or psychologically on the ragged edge already, and so succeeded only in reducing them to tears. He eventually uprooted his family and became a lay missionary in Africa. We were very happy. That he was far away. We pitied the Africans. Who no doubt immediately converted to Islam.)

But back to our story: What Mr. Doonan does not seem to understand (or perhaps he does and is merely having us on) is that inhabiting a world of would-be wits dripping with sarcasm, such that no lobster bib in the world could sop up the overflow, is like having everyone scream at you all day long.After a while, you go deaf to what they are saying. And do whatever is in your power to keep a safe distance away.

Which is why even I take a break from this every once in a while…

P.S. I think if you have a bent to express yourself in this way, you should strive to punch above your weight class: aim at those people or institutions in the public eye who wield real power, or whose behavior is so grotesque that to say nothing is to admit it simply doesn’t matter whom they lie to or abuse.

Which is why I hate reality shows like Cops. While the purpose of such “entertainments” is not snark but police recruitment, the targets are almost always poor and working-class, usually minorities, paraded before the cameras at their worst moments without any context for how harsh so many of their lives are. Which is not to say that they are merely victims or not responsible for their often self-destructive behavior. But why should it be fodder for entertainment? So we can feel superior to someone? So their most embarrassing moments can be frozen in amber on strangers’ DVRs in perpetuity? (What the hell ever happened to Playhouse 90?)

I would rather they stalked George Soros and Rupert Murdoch (or Silvio Berlusconi and any governor of Illinois)  and record the number of laws they break in a given day…

 
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Posted by on September 6, 2012 in Is My Complaining Interfering with Your Crying?, It's Not Personal Only Business, Please Spare Us and We'll Be Your Very Bestest Friend

 

Strange Arabic Script on Bottom of Southwest Planes Turns Out to Be Note Greenlighting ‘Whitney’

23 Sep

So this cryptic Arabic-looking writing was discovered on the undercarriage of Southwest Airlines 737 jets. It was only discovered once the engines were turned on and the plane’s belly was warmed up, as the writing was done in “invisible paint”:

In a statement to KNX 1070 radio, Southwest said it is working with authorities to uncover who was behind the ‘vandalism’, but added that currently it is not clear how many people are involved.

Southwest also said the writings did not imply any safety issues.

Despite an FBI investigation into the writings, the trend has increased in recent weeks.

The “writing” looks more like the cave paintings of Altamira though not as cute. And why is it so difficult to translate? Does no one in the FBI read Arabic? Or did they scare all the Arab speakers off? Are we certain it even is Arabic? It could just be gibberish that some knothead assumed was Arabic because it was secret and menacing (for that matter, it could have been a teacher’s note; I do believe I can make out the word “boisterous,” which I used to get a lot).

If it does turn out to be a prank by some brain-damaged employee, I dare say the union will come to his defense and negotiate a nice severance package.

What is truly indefensible, though, were last night’s episodes of The Office and the debut of Whitney. Now The Office was already past its sell-by date, but making Andy Bernard the office manager and — Ta Da! — Robert California some now-you-see-him-now-you-don’t CEO figure was obviously the result of gag fatigue. (I hope they intend to make better use of James Spader than they did last night.)

Maybe they should really go out with a bang and end the season, and the series, with a Christmas special. Or maybe a Halloween special. Or maybe in mid-episode next week. (A for-real preggers Jenna Fischer looks like she’d rather be anywhere but on that set anymore, like she’d be happy to just pack up her grip and walk off the set, get into her car, and drive off the lot, as those mockumentary cameras follow her down Wiltshire Blvd.)

As for Whitney, the commercials we were bombarded with throughout August looked like we could be in for some Laverne Di Fazio-type wackadoodle mayhem, with just a touch of Dharma & Greg and updated for the 21st century. It turned out to be another sex-obsessed drone of a witless piece of crap bomb with characters who could not die fast enough. Talk about trying too hard. And what exactly it was they were trying to do in the first place is a question that would make the Oracle cry. (A French maid’s getup? Really? You do know that the French make you clean up after yourself now, don’t you?)

But don’t let that stop you from watching it. I don’t want to influence you.

I was also disappointed with my much-beloved Big Bang Theory. The writers are beginning to rehash a lot of the same gags and scenarios, and the bed-play banter is taking on an increasingly Two and a Half Men tone, which is never good. Also, the endless “Will Penny and Leonard finally get back together?” business is beyond tired: its moribund. And Penny’s hemorrhoid commercial? That joke was stale in 1983.

Some concepts have only so much yuck in them. It’s easy to forget how difficult it is to keep material fresh given how long American TV seasons are, compared with, say, Britcom “series.” The IT Crowd, another A-fave, is six episodes and done, whereas American shows have 22 episodes a year to churn out, so is it any secret why they begin to feel assembly line-ish?

I DVR’d Parks & Recreation. Here’s hoping for better news on that front.

 
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Posted by on September 23, 2011 in "Entertainment", Please Spare Us and We'll Be Your Very Bestest Friend, Please Stop Saying Jennifer Aniston Is Dull

 
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