RSS

Category Archives: Love American Style

If You’re a Genius and You Know It, Clap One Hand

12 Jun

real_geniusThe value of your work as a scientist will now be evaluated Technorati-style — based on how many times someone links to it, literally or figuratively.

Mormons are using their missionary positions in strangers’ homes. And get your mind out of the gutter.

Millions of TVs are turning into a static-ridden haze of lifelessness today. Twenty bucks no one notices a thing.

Crazy-like-a-lox is claiming victory in Iran. It was his promise to exterminate all his political rivals that gave him that much needed edge in the last days of the election.

My Name Is Earl is no more. That’s what happens when you try to burn your karma on a manure spit.

Daniel Baldwin was voted off the island when someone finally realized he wasn’t his younger brother Jeff.

Al-Qaeda is moving. Seeking condo or co-op without doorman, preferably below ground, poor lighting.

CofE bishop wants Christians to make Christianity attractive to unbelievers, just as the first generation did when they were set alight by Caligula’s minions.

And finally, 1984 turns 60. Which would make everyone born in 1960 84.

O.K., I’m outta here.

 
Comments Off

Posted by on June 12, 2009 in Hail Fredonia!, I'm with Stupid, Infinite Human Capacity for Stupidity, Love American Style, Missing Links, Please Don't Touch Me There

 

Obama’s iPod Gift to Queen Includes Rendition of ‘Send in the Clowns’ … (crickets)

02 Apr

clownsNot kidding. (Like I’d make stuff up just to get a laugh … Why I oughta …)

It also includes Jennifer Holliday singing “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going,” which I guess could be a kind of anthem for Elizabeth II, with Charles chiming in with “I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Face.”

Now what’s gone unreported is that the Queen and her husband, Capt. Whyareyouhere, presented our president with a gift too — a copy of Winston Churchill’s 1941 speech “You Do Your Worst and We Will Do Our Best.”

Uncertain what was intended there …

 
Comments Off

Posted by on April 2, 2009 in "Entertainment", Hail Fredonia!, Love American Style, My Hat Is Bigger Than Your Hat, These Kids Today With the Long Hair and Crazy Music

 

Topless Coffee Shop Draws Stares, ‘Room for Milk’ Jokes

28 Feb

3180292488_1dba3739e3_oIt’s in a rural part of Maine and garnered 150 applications for a mere 10 positions.

Safe to say that Vassalboro is in the bosom of the state.

Sorry.

 
Comments Off

Posted by on February 28, 2009 in He Who Hates Coffee Hates Life, I Wouldn't Drink That if I Were You, Love American Style, Socially Acceptable Vices, These Kids Today With the Long Hair and Crazy Music

 

Kissing Banned in London Tube Station, Either Go All the Way or Give It a Rest

17 Feb

buskers2It seems that makeout artists were tying up human traffic in the Warrington Station.

Now if only they (whoever they are) would do something about that busker in the Holborn Station who makes Kenny G sound like Charlie Parker. (In New York, we usually get either Pavarotti wannabes or some truly talented, if a tad rowdy, dance troupes. Although there is one guy in the Lexington Ave. station who plays the theme song to every major motion picture since Wings on his autoharp …)

 
Comments Off

Posted by on February 17, 2009 in "Entertainment", Hand Me My Ear Muffles, Is That Thing Loaded?, Love American Style, This Is Why I Never Leave My Apartment

 

Porn Star Recruited to Run for Louisiana Senate, Figure She Would Raise General Level of Morality in Gov’t

09 Feb

zack-and-miri-domestic-poster-580x859So Republican David Vitter got caught with his pants down and now some voters want to challenge him on the Democratic side by recruiting someone whose knickers are regularly over her head — presumably to embarrass Vitter.

Stormy is planning a “listening tour” around the state. I just hope what she hears is rated PG — you know, for the kids’ sake.

Wouldn’t it be funny if she gets the Democratic nomination only to be undone because she didn’t pay taxes for wages paid to her undocumented gardener …

 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 9, 2009 in "Entertainment", Love American Style, Please Don't Touch Me There, The Next Thing You'll Be Telling Me Is That Wrestling Is Fake, WWQD? (What Would Quixote Do?)

 

Pornographers Request Bailout, Congress Tells Them to Go !%$@# Themselves

07 Jan

3519681010aOr at least that’s what I’d like to think Congress will tell them.

So, at what point does the bailout frenzy reach the tipping point? I’d say right about here.

After all, we’re not Denmark. No, not Denmark, what’s that other one — Holland. No, not Holland, the other country with all the government-subsidized wackiness — Sweden! No, not Sweden, wait a minute … I SAID WAIT A MINUTE!

Maybe it’s us after all …

 
Comments Off

Posted by on January 7, 2009 in "Entertainment", Just Say No to Everything, Love American Style, Stop Looking at Me Like That, The Profane, Your Tax Dollars at Work

 

Science Discovers True Love, Requires Brain Scan and Completely Reductionist Mindset

05 Jan

a_clockwork_orangeWell, it was only a matter of time, I guess. Science has finally acquired the means of determining whether you’re still in love with the “wife [or husband] of your youth.”

I have no doubt that the researchers truly were gobsmacked that lifelong love was possible. But I’m also sure they’re comforted by the fact that only 10% of subjects had brains that lit up in the appropriate manner (the true definition of love) — and that “love” is not the same thing as “monogamy.”

I’d like to think that many if not most of the couples who participated in this study did so for kicks and giggles. But if you have to ask a scientist if you’re still in love with your spouse of 20+ years, you might want to call a lawyer now …

 
Comments Off

Posted by on January 5, 2009 in "Entertainment", Cutting-Edge Technology, Love American Style, Too Much Spare Time

 
← Older posts
 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 237 other followers

%d bloggers like this: