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Category Archives: I Used to Be a Superstar but Now I’m Just Me

William Shakespeare: Tax Cheat

Got grain?

Got grain?

Just when you thought all the possible “real” Shakespeares had been discovered, another appears. And this one is not a nice person.

Jayne Archer, a researcher in Renaissance literature at Aberystwyth University, said in the Sunday Times: “There was another side to Shakespeare besides the brilliant playwright — as a ruthless businessman who did all he could to avoid taxes, maximise profits at others’ expense and exploit the vulnerable — while also writing plays about their plight to entertain them.

“Shakespeare is remembered as a playwright, but there was no copyright then and no sense that his plays could generate future income.

“That drove him to dodge taxes, illegally hoard [food] and act as a money-lender.

“He had two surviving daughters and would have seen himself as providing for them, but he was acting illegally and undermining the government’s attempts to feed people.”

Coriolanus depicts a famine created and exploited by rich merchants and politicians to maximise the price of food and includes the lines: ‘They ne’er cared for us yet: suffer us to famish, and their store-houses crammed with grain.’

It has now emerged that as Shakespeare wrote the play at the height of the 1607 food riots, he was himself hoarding grain.

Bastardo! (That’s Italian. I won’t translate, out of consideration for the sensitive and easily shocked.)

What’s truly appalling is that, should this backstory gain any academic traction, we’ll be forced to endure a generation of Shakespeare scholarship that seeks to reinterpret every play in light of the Bard’s criminal business ethics. Keep an eye out for the Public Theater’s Occupy-themed Merchant of Venice and Timon of Athens. (Although, why do I have a feeling that’s been done already…)

 

The Porn Star and the Preacher(s)

The writing’s on the wall.

I knew that’d get your attention … I’m so on to you.

So Ron Jeremy, who appeared in the films Zombiegeddon and Poultrygeist, among others, sat down to talk with XXXChurch.com founder Craig Gross. It was . . . enlightening.

“People in porn believe in God. It’s not a one or the other thing,” he said.

“I think a majority of adult performers in that industry (porn) do believe in God. We aren’t sure about the name of God but we know that He’s up there.”

The 59-year-old actor cemented his belief in God after he and a former Pentecostal minister came away from a major car accident alive some decades ago.

While he has many friends who are pastors, including Miles McPherson, Jeremy continues to disagree with them when it comes to who goes to heaven and recreational sex.

“Would [Jesus] be so unfair and say you’re not coming in (to heaven) because your parents didn’t raise you right?” he asked, as he described how many people are raised by their parents under varying religions.

Differing with Christians on sex, Jeremy said he believes people can engage in both recreational sex and “making love.” And when comparing his sex life (with more than 2,000 women) with that of Gross’ (with one woman, his wife), he admitted that the pastor was likely having better sex “because you make love more; ours is more recreational.”

Now I know what you’re thinking: Who the heck is Miles McPherson? He heads up Rock Church Ministries in San Diego and is a former defensive back for the Chargers, which I’m sure comes in handy on Stewardship Sundays.

I believe Jeremy is something of a right-winger in his politics. You know what they say about strange bedfellows: they usually end up charging extra for sleepovers but I may be mistaken about that.

I think the thing to keep in mind is that everything is a teachable moment, if not necessarily a touchable one. And remember Mary Magdalene. I’m not sure why. It just never hurts.

 

Shock Jock Gives Up Act to Follow Christ. Bummer.

So Wally, a wacky DJ, a wanna-be Howard Stern, was a nice guy who “saw the good in everybody.”

That was mistake No. 1.

Then he got a great gig in radio as a drive-time DJ who looked for the negative hook in every story to drive his show and ratings. And he was good at being bad. He “couldn’t believe he was getting paid to do this job.” He would “sleep at the radio station.” But he was becoming “jaded and bitter.”

In short, being a mean-spirited smart aleck was taking its toll on his soul and affecting his marriage. Being a jerk was even more deleterious than than all the drugs he did.

So he decided to take two years off to “reconnect with God.” It proved just the right balm for his heart and mind, as well as for his family life.

But he was now out of money. So he went back to doing the only thing he knew how to do.

“You know this is going to mean that me and God are done for a while,” Wally told his wife.

So he went down to Atlanta, a “massive Heritage station,” but the world of big-time radio proved a den of iniquity, “a little bit of insanity, a little bit of debauchery, a lot of dysfunction, and that’s where my life went for a while. I still had my personal life where I’m teaching Sunday school…and the rule was ‘You can’t listen to my radio show…this is not good for you.’”

So he had a hard choice to make: God or gold. “You have to decide which man you’re going to be, and be that,” his long-suffering wife told him.

So he left mainstream radio and went into Christian radio. And it was all rainbows and hallelujahs.

Wrong. Read the rest of this entry »

 

‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ Shut Down in Russia After Locals Complain About Judas’ New York Accent

I’m 107% certain that this is not Jesus.

So the St. Petersburg Rock Opera was staging a production of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar at the Philharmonic in Rostov in southern Russia — until some neighborhood busybodies

complained that the musical presented a distorted image of Jesus Christ.

“A probe is under way, and subsequently the appropriate decision will be taken,” a spokesperson for the Rostov prosecutors told the Interfax news agency.

NTV television said ticket sales had been stopped pending the outcome of the probe.

“We are shocked that someone has demanded that the musical be cancelled,” an employee of the Philharmonic told the Komsomolskaya Pravda daily. “We will be told on Monday whether it is going ahead.”

The employee said the show had already been performed in Rostov five times and had been sold out on the last occasion.

The complaint, sent by 18 local residents to the prosecutors and theatre, said that the “image of Christ presented in the opera is false from the point of view of Christianity”, local media reported.

“As it stands, the work is a profanation,” it added.

Godspell, sure, but come on …

What’s weird is that Superstar has actually been quite popular in Russia since it was first performed in the days of the old Soviet Union. In fact, a representative of the Orthodox Church in the region pretty much told the press: “Don’t blame us.”

“The so-called Orthodox activists are expressing only their own opinion which is not shared by the Church,” Igor Petrovsky, spokesman for the Church in the Rostov region said, quoted by Komsomolskaya Pravda.

He said many priests and believers had been grateful to hear the musical in the 1980s when it was first performed in the atheist Soviet Union and “hear something nice and beautiful about Christ.”

The relationship between the church and the state in Russia is a complicated one, so it’s unclear on what legal grounds the court would find the theater group “guilty” of — blasphemy? — if the Church says, “No, it’s not.”

Safe to say that everyone’s been on edge ever since the Lady Parts Ruckus ruckus. At least the ambassador to Libya was not murdered. Sure, box office suffered, which in the West is far worse, but I’m sure this will work its way through the justice system in a timely and rational manner in the best tradition of Russian jurisprudence. So expect everyone involved to suddenly “disappear” one day.

IN OTHER NEWS: Facebook unfriends false likes, a sentence that no rational person should ever have to write.

 

Chevy Chase Turned Down ‘American Gigolo.’ And a Grateful America Said…

“How dare you accuse me of arrogance? Don’t you know who I think I am?

What can you say about a man who brags about the career he didn’t have?

Did you know that Chevy Chase — yeah, the guy from Community and the Vacation movies – turned down ‘American Gigolo,‘ presumably, the role that went to … Richard Gere? (Yeah, I confuse the two of them too, but he was a lot younger then.) And he turned down Animal House. And Forrest Gump. And Ghostbusters. And that the only reason he regrets any of these decisions is

because they made huge amounts of money and I would be very wealthy, but I don’t regret working with Goldie, I don’t regret the projects that I did do.

Really? You don’t regret Bad Meat? How about playing Mr. Punch in the classic Vacuums? Cops and Robbersons? Snow Day? Is it that you have no pride? Or no taste?

Did you know that Chase also turned down roles in Star Wars (Princess Leia), Raiders of the Lost Ark (originally, Indiana Jones was supposed to be Jersey City Jeff), The Godfather Part II (Michael’s idiot son, Claude), Goodfellas (Thug #1), and The Big Lebowski (whoever John Turturro played)? Did you know he was supposed to play Batman in every single Batman movie, including the one in my mind? And he was up for the role of Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network until someone explained to the producers that Chevy Chase was 90 years old and fit only for “probably the lowest form of television”?

Glad to know he’s able to eke out a living and keep that roof over his wife’s head, whatever the climate.

 

Reagan Hologram “Disinvited” Due to Fears It Would Prove More Substantial Than Romney

It’s at moments like these that I can’t help but quote the late, great British journalist, editor of Punch, and raconteur Malcolm Muggeridge. He was attending a performance of Godspell with the archbishop of Canterbury when, at a climactic moment, the good prelate jumped from his seat and cried, “Long live God!”

Muggeridge likened this to

shouting “Carry on eternity” or “Keep going infinity.” The incident made a deep impression on my mind because it illustrated the basic difficulty I met with when I was editor of Punch: that the eminent so often say and do things which are infinitely more ridiculous than anything you can invent for them. That might not sound to you like a terrible difficulty but it is, believe me, the main headache of the editor of an ostensibly humorous paper. You go to great trouble to invent a ridiculous Archbishop of Canterbury and give him ridiculous lines to say and then suddenly he rises in his seat at the theater and shouts out “Long live God.” And you’re defeated, you’re broken.

Pity us poor humorists during campaign season …

Now I didn’t watch so much as 30 seconds of the Republican National Convention, because (a) there were a lot of repeat episodes of Pawn Stars on; (b) I forgot it was on; and (c) I will never be that bored. But I have caught up with some of the hijinx via virtual reality, which seems to be the only reality left. It is “there” that I learned that the late, great president Ronald Reagan was to make an “appearance” via the magic of holographic technology, only to find himself sidelined out of concern that his “energy” would upstage the nominee.

A projected image of a dead man would …

I also read about Clint Eastwood’s performance. That Clint was a Republican was never a secret. His legend is sufficiently secure that it can’t possibly keep him from working in Hollywood. In fact, he has a new film set to debut this month, Trouble with the Curve, costarring the amazing Amy Adams. I think it’s safe to say that Dirty Harry threw the GOPpers a curve, all right. (For those of you who do not know your late-medieval history, when a king talked to an empty chair, it was a signal to the court that Flanders was soon to become the Lowlands. I have no idea where I’m going with this.)

Anyway, I hear that there’s another convention coming. It’s the Democrats, I think, unless the Whigs have made a comeback with their “Drill More with Fillmore” campaign. (I can’t remember if I read that somewhere or it spontaneously appeared in my mind, like that unified field theory or my blueprint for a city made entirely of corn.)

The Democrats, of course, have many more A-list stars who already talk to furniture in their free time, especially when their ankle bracelets are activated. And needless to say, they are more than willing to upstage the nominee, who I have every reason to believe will be Louis C.K. Write that down: “Louis wins.” It will be worth something someday.

BREAKING: Al Gore wants to close the Electoral College and open an International House of Pancakes. Can you blame him?

 

Iron Man Is Down. Iron Man Is Down.

There will be a delay in the filming of Iron Man 3: Pumping Iron Man because its star, Robert Downey Jr., has experienced an unpleasantness:

Robert Downey Jr. sustained an ankle injury on the set of ‘Iron Man 3′ in Wilmington, North Carolina while performing a stunt. There will be a short delay in the production schedule while he recuperates.

This will cause me to look at the new film, should it ever come out given this catastrophe, with different eyes. The guy has $500 billion worth of iron gimmicks at his disposal, he flies through space, he shoots fireballs out of his fists, and he’s undone by a twisted ankle.

It’s almost like none of it’s real…

In other news: Mel Gibson says Hollywood is an unforgiving place, despite the fact that he has nothing to be forgiven for. Oh yeah? What about this?

(Actually, it wasn’t easy coming up with a punchline for that one. And by that I mean a movie. He hasn’t really made that many stinkers, which makes the whole sorry saga of his unraveling all the more sad.)

 
 
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