Temperance Lancecouncil, Anti-Hypocrisy Candidate, Pulls Ahead

Voting in Wilmington, Delaware.

… of Samm Tittle, the “One of Us for All of Us” candidate.

For those of you who are “pro-hypocrisy,” and so uninformed of Ms. Lancecouncil’s bid for the presidency, I give you several planks of her platform:

DEFENSE SPENDING
- Spending will increase 3-fold on the defense/military budget.
- Spending will be substantially increased in our space/NASA endeavors.

TAXES (CORPORATE/INDUSTRIAL AMERICA – GOVERNMENT’S ROLE IN PRIVATE ENTERPRISE)
- Tax cuts will not be rolled back to the most wealthy individuals in the society.
- Capital gains taxes will be reduced, based on applied tables.
- Taxes will or will not be raised, as warranted.
- Tax breaks and cuts will only be given to companies/corporations who are good, civic-minded corpoarations [sic] who work to recruit, hire, and train those off the welfare roles. (This, not at the expense of other traditional applicants.) Those who pay particular attention to urban and Appalachia areas will be considered most favorably.

The catch is the “applied tables.” I never know which tables apply to whom.

As for WOMEN’S PRODUCTIVE RIGHTS
- Current laws to remain in place for all adult women.
- Females between the ages of 16 and 21 years old shall be entitled to abortion-on-demand, with a limit of 2 within a 3-year period, under current state Medicaid / Medicaid financial guidelines. Parental notification is unnecessary, but these guidelines apply not to females under age 16yrs.

The emphasized bit may hurt her with the wilder set.

But I think she’s very good on homelessness:

HOMELESSNESS
- The homeless problem in America as we know it will end, as those who are mentally ill (via legislation) will be evaluated and appropriately housed.
- National vagrancy/tresspassing legislation will be enacted and enforced.

Note the balance.

I wouldn’t count Jack Fellure, the Prohibition Party candidate, out completely. After all:

Should I be elected to the Presidency, this Bible will be open on the desk in the White House Oval Office to Psalm 33:12, “BLESSED IS THE NATION WHOSE GOD IS THE LORD”, and also to II Samuel 23:3, “HE THAT RULETH OVER MEN MUST BE JUST, RULING IN THE FEAR OF GOD”. It shall never be closed during my tenure. I will take the inauguration oath of office with my hand on my Bible opened to Deuteronomy 28.

“It shall never be closed.” Like 7-Eleven. And Joe Biden’s mouth.

POSTSCRIPTUM: For those of you puzzling over how Mr. Fellure could have his Bible open to two verses from different books simultaneously, well, it’s obvious you do not know how to rightly divide the Word of God.

Reagan Hologram “Disinvited” Due to Fears It Would Prove More Substantial Than Romney

It’s at moments like these that I can’t help but quote the late, great British journalist, editor of Punch, and raconteur Malcolm Muggeridge. He was attending a performance of Godspell with the archbishop of Canterbury when, at a climactic moment, the good prelate jumped from his seat and cried, “Long live God!”

Muggeridge likened this to

shouting “Carry on eternity” or “Keep going infinity.” The incident made a deep impression on my mind because it illustrated the basic difficulty I met with when I was editor of Punch: that the eminent so often say and do things which are infinitely more ridiculous than anything you can invent for them. That might not sound to you like a terrible difficulty but it is, believe me, the main headache of the editor of an ostensibly humorous paper. You go to great trouble to invent a ridiculous Archbishop of Canterbury and give him ridiculous lines to say and then suddenly he rises in his seat at the theater and shouts out “Long live God.” And you’re defeated, you’re broken.

Pity us poor humorists during campaign season …

Now I didn’t watch so much as 30 seconds of the Republican National Convention, because (a) there were a lot of repeat episodes of Pawn Stars on; (b) I forgot it was on; and (c) I will never be that bored. But I have caught up with some of the hijinx via virtual reality, which seems to be the only reality left. It is “there” that I learned that the late, great president Ronald Reagan was to make an “appearance” via the magic of holographic technology, only to find himself sidelined out of concern that his “energy” would upstage the nominee.

A projected image of a dead man would …

I also read about Clint Eastwood’s performance. That Clint was a Republican was never a secret. His legend is sufficiently secure that it can’t possibly keep him from working in Hollywood. In fact, he has a new film set to debut this month, Trouble with the Curve, costarring the amazing Amy Adams. I think it’s safe to say that Dirty Harry threw the GOPpers a curve, all right. (For those of you who do not know your late-medieval history, when a king talked to an empty chair, it was a signal to the court that Flanders was soon to become the Lowlands. I have no idea where I’m going with this.)

Anyway, I hear that there’s another convention coming. It’s the Democrats, I think, unless the Whigs have made a comeback with their “Drill More with Fillmore” campaign. (I can’t remember if I read that somewhere or it spontaneously appeared in my mind, like that unified field theory or my blueprint for a city made entirely of corn.)

The Democrats, of course, have many more A-list stars who already talk to furniture in their free time, especially when their ankle bracelets are activated. And needless to say, they are more than willing to upstage the nominee, who I have every reason to believe will be Louis C.K. Write that down: “Louis wins.” It will be worth something someday.

BREAKING: Al Gore wants to close the Electoral College and open an International House of Pancakes. Can you blame him?

God Shuts Down GOP Convention with Water from the Sky

No one was hurt, but the family of five who were living in the car would like President Obama to please stop with the robocalls

“I vow to bring an end to water from the sky,” declaimed Mitt Romney from an undisclosed location. “Water from the sky is the inevitable result of four years of the Obama administration’s wrongheaded fiscal policies.” Paul Ryan was unavailable for comment but was reported “OK” after an altercation with a homeless person he was trying to light on fire.

Who shall we thank that the usual nonsense has been eviscerated from history’s memory bank before it was able to make a deposit? A spiteful Mother Nature, angry at the supposed war on women? Or Lady Fortune, who chose to smile on those of us who would rather have their eyes melted on a griddle than watch the self-congratulatory spectacle of politicians blathering on about subjects they know less than nothing about?

While the pork pull and midget toss have been postponed till Thursday, and the A-list celebs (“Slappy” from Hee Haw, Kirk Cameron, and the pace car from the 1996 Daytona 500) will probably be forced to stare blankly into the cameras during one of the overnight slots, the National Debt Clock will, in fact, start ticking today — at $15.9 trillion. (Yes, that’s trillion,with a WTF?)

When asked what the Lord had in store for the Democrats, seer and TV mogul Pat Robertson replied that he was not in a position to speculate, as he and the Almighty were still in negotiations.

Don’t get me wrong: I’d vote for a maggoty leprous foot before I’d pull the lever for Obama/Biden. But I have about as much confidence in the Republicans as I do in shark cartilage to cure cancer. That leaves me with Jack Fellure, successor to the noble Gene Amondson, or the wan hope of an incursion into domestic American affairs by the Danish Union of Conscientiously Work-Shy Elements. (I know, I know, Sacramone, you dreamer…)

If You’re a Genius and You Know It, Clap One Hand

real_geniusThe value of your work as a scientist will now be evaluated Technorati-style — based on how many times someone links to it, literally or figuratively.

Mormons are using their missionary positions in strangers’ homes. And get your mind out of the gutter.

Millions of TVs are turning into a static-ridden haze of lifelessness today. Twenty bucks no one notices a thing.

Crazy-like-a-lox is claiming victory in Iran. It was his promise to exterminate all his political rivals that gave him that much needed edge in the last days of the election.

My Name Is Earl is no more. That’s what happens when you try to burn your karma on a manure spit.

Daniel Baldwin was voted off the island when someone finally realized he wasn’t his younger brother Jeff.

Al-Qaeda is moving. Seeking condo or co-op without doorman, preferably below ground, poor lighting.

CofE bishop wants Christians to make Christianity attractive to unbelievers, just as the first generation did when they were set alight by Caligula’s minions.

And finally, 1984 turns 60. Which would make everyone born in 1960 84.

O.K., I’m outta here.

Pelosi Insists CIA Lied to Her About Waterboarding, ‘They Told Me It Was a Summer Sports Thing for Kids’

get_smart-tvThe Speaker of the House did not know what she did not know, because she had been informed that someone else had been informed about what she was supposed to know, which she didn’t know, except when she was told, which she denies knowing about.

Everybody got that?

“Throughout my career, I am proud to have worked on human rights and against torture,” Pelosi said at her weekly news conference.

“I unequivocally oppose the use of torture.”

Earlier this week, however, a source close to Pelosi said the House speaker was told in February 2003 by her intelligence aide, Michael Sheehy, that waterboarding was used on [Abu] Zubaydah [a suspected al Qaeda leader].

Sheehy attended a briefing in which waterboarding was discussed in February 2003, with Rep. Jane Harman, D-California, who took over Pelosi’s spot as the ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee.

The source said Pelosi didn’t object when she learned that waterboarding was being used because she had not been personally briefed about it — only her aide had been told.

I believe everyone. I believe no one. Because that’s the way I roll.

UPDATE: Fellow Democrat — and CIA director — Leon Panetta had denied Nancy Pelosi’s claim that she was misled by the CIA regarding the use of torture of Gitmo detainees.

Panetta, President Obama’s pick to run the clandestine agency and President Clinton’s former chief of staff, wrote in a memo to CIA employees Friday that “CIA officers briefed truthfully on the interrogation of Abu Zubaydah, describing ‘the enhanced techniques that had been employed,’” according to CIA records.

“We are an agency of high integrity, professionalism and dedication,” Panetta said in the memo. “Our task is to tell it like it is — even if that’s not what people always want to hear. Keep it up. Our national security depends on it.”

So there.