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Category Archives: Better Never Than Late

For Those of You Who’ve Been Waiting for a New Release of “Heaven’s Gate”…

…yes, all three of you, well your dream is about to come true.

And for those of you who have never had to compile a “Most Disappointing Films of All Time” list,* Heaven’s Gate was a highly anticipated Western epic by the Oscar-winning director of The Deer Hunter, Michael Cimino, which, when finally released, became the running definition of the colossal bomb.

The film went massively over budget, finally costing $44 million (approximately, figures differ) in 1980 dollars, or $122 million today. It made $3 million during its original release and proved the complete undoing of United Artists. Critical reception ran from “an unqualified disaster” (NY Times) to “the most scandalous cinematic waste I have ever seen” (Roger Ebert).

The version of the film that premiered ran ran 219 minutes. It was quickly slashed to ribbons by the studio, to 149 minutes, which is the version most people who have seen it are familiar with.

Over the years, it has been re-rereleased and reappraised, and some of the harsher judgments have been balanced by more measured assessments. (There are some breathtakingly beautiful set pieces, all snark aside.)

Anyhoo, Heaven’s Gate became synonymous with “auteur” directors out of control, and film budgets started getting pared back shortly thereafter (Francis Ford Coppola’s post-Apocalypse One from the Heart didn’t help either).

Michael Cimino’s career never quite recovered. His Mickey Rourke detective flick Year of the Dragon was engaging and fun but didn’t do much box office. His adaptation of Mario Puzo’s The Sicilian, based on the life of Salvatore Giuliano, a real-life Sicilian Robin Hood, died a quick death. (The Italian telling of that tale, by Francesco Rosi, is far superior.) The casting of Christopher Lambert was one of the more curious choices…

Cimino refuses to give up on the film that will live in infamy, despite the toll it has taken on him. Speaking at the Venice Film Festival:

…Mr. Cimino, a trim 73-year-old wearing sunglasses, was in a jovial mood even as he spoke candidly about the psychic toll of a movie that went on to define his career for all the wrong reasons. It was the producer of “Heaven’s Gate,” Joann Carelli, who asked Mr. Cimino to be involved in the new restoration. He acknowledged that he was initially reluctant. “I’ve had enough rejection for 33 years,” he said. “I don’t need more. Being infamous is not fun. It becomes a weird kind of occupation in and of itself.”

And so a 216-minute cut of Heaven’s Gate, one that better reflects the original intention of the director, and that received a warm reception in Venice, will be made available on DVD from Criterion come November. (The original original 219-minute version had previously been made available on VHS and laserdisc. Pick your poison, I guess.)

Until then:

And for those of you who forgot what Mickey Rourke looked like before he took up boxing:

*Most Disappointing Films of All Time (in alpha order and not to be confused with The Worst Films of All Times—these films you had reason to believe could be amazing)

1941 (Spielberg)
Avatar (Cameron)
Gangs of New York (although boasts one of the most stunning opening sequences in film history; Scorsese)
Godfather Part III (Coppola)
Heaven’s Gate (Cimino)
Hudson Hawk (Danny Aiello steals the film; Lehman)
Interiors (Allen)
Matrix Revolutions (Wachowski Bros.)
Star Trek (1980; Wise)
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace (Lucas)

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2012 in Better Never Than Late, Failure Is the New Black

 

Ikea to Build Its Own Town. Will Assemble in 30 Minutes. Will Look Like Crap.

An Ikea dining room table/chastity belt made of 100% real stuff.

Ikea, which is Swedish for “disposable and interchangeable,” is going to design and construct a district in the German city of Hamburg. Why? Because Bangladesh said no.

Swedish furniture giant Ikea announced plans on Wednesday to build a brand-new district with shops, flats and office space for thousands of people in the northern German city of Hamburg.

“We want to build a new city district for the benefit of Hamburg,” Harald Mueller, head of the firm’s property subsidiary Landprop, told the local paper, the Hamburger Abendblatt.

Ah, good to know. I thought they had something against Hamburg and were determined to humiliate its inhabitants. (BTW: Hamburger Abendblatt is German for “I will gladly pay you Tuesday.”)

It gets worse. Eastenders will now film in an Ikea district all its own:

The Hamburger Abendblatt said the project would run along similar lines to a planned development in eastern London for which Ikea is preparing to build around 1,200 flats, offices, hotels and shops.

If you’re going to pull a stunt like this, why not go Italian? Sure, it’ll cost a hundred million billion trillion euros, and there will be 82 strikes, and it will be delayed three generations, but at least you’ll wind up with something classy.

And this is just the public restroom.

I eagerly await entire cities, nay, nations designed and furnished entirely by Mar-Stans Unpainted Furniture: “If it’s painted, it’s not ours. Hence the name.”

 

Breakfast Links — UPDATED

Alec Baldwin walked out on the Emmys after FOX cut his Rupert Murdoch phone-hacking joke from the opening segment. Baldwin was replaced by Leonard Nimoy, and the audience walked out.

UPDATE: Alec Baldwin clarifies what really happened last night: “I did not attend the Emmys due to a long-standing commitment to Tony and Susan Bennett’s Exploring the Arts benefit, which I had agreed to host several months ago. In the intervening time, the Emmy telecast was moved from its previous date in August to a new September date. … Prior to last night, the Emmy producers flew me to LA to shoot a pre-tape for the show with Jane Lynch. In that routine, I made a joke about the News Corp. phone hacking scandal which the writers and producers had pre-approved before I made the trip. We shot the segment with the joke in. A couple of days later, I was informed that the producers had been told by some Fox entity that the joke had to be cut. I then asked that the entire piece be omitted, as I felt the joke was, perhaps, the funniest thing in it. I did not boycott the Emmys due to that edit.”

He’s right — FOX should have sucked it up and left the joke in.

The Emmy producers were pressured to drop the Charlie Sheen segment by Two and a Half Men creator and object of Sheen’s rage Chuck Lorre. Sheen went on anyway and shot himself live on camera, but not before dousing members of the auditorium audience in sulphuric acid and detonating a thermonuclear device that set half the world on fire. Then there was one of those quirky Geiko commercials.

Focus on the Family is laying off 49 more employees, which just goes to show you have to focus on the books if you want a family to focus on.

It’s illegal to make porn in Australia if you have small boobies, and you need permission from the Chinese government to get reincarnated. So please keep this in mind if you’re thinking of moonlighting during these tough times.

Apple wants you to re-purchase stuff you already own. Why didn’t anyone else think of that? Steve Jobs IS a genius!

Some journalists are arguing that Republicans aren’t making more of the Solyndra scandal because they’re guilty of the same kind of crony capitalism. Oh how I wish I had cronies … and capital.

If these seagulls had been around in 19th-century Russia, Chekhov’s play would have been a horror story. About poop. Melancholy Russian seagull bacteria-resistant poop. So I guess we’re lucky things worked out the way they did.

California’s unemployment rate will never be high enough until whoever is responsible for greenlighting Toddlers and Tiaras is begging on the streets with a bag over his head.

 

Third ‘Da Vinci Code’ Film Already Planned, This Time Plot Promises to Embellish Sacred History

4885So Dan Brown’s third novel focusing on the exploits of “symbologist” Robert Langdon is set to hit bookshelves and Amazon carts this September. It’s called The Lost Symbol and involves the Masons. No not Perry and Jackie — Freemasons.

Let me guess: The Catholic Church has a rogue monk/priest/canon lawyer/legion of Mary tractarian out to kill a select group of Masons who possess the key that unlocks the code that reveals the secret of the ancient riddle that solves the mystery that will uncover the conspiracy that hid the truth about the cabal that obscured the meaning of the cryptic script that when deciphered will unveil the face of the man who died to protect the arcanum embedded in the Masonic symbols, which, if made public, will shake the very foundations of the Catholic Church, rendering the papacy a spent force and reduce several hundred million Catholic laypeople to mainline-Protestant status.

And make Dan Brown an extraordinary amount of money.

In any event, Columbia Pictures has already bought the rights to turn it into one of those movie thingees.

I’m willing to make Brown a deal: For the fourth book, if he promises to lay off the poor Catholics, I will reveal all the secrets I know about the LCMS, which should make for a really nifty haiku.

 

Franken Wins! Franken Wins! … What Do You Mean, ‘Wins What?’

Franken during one of the more playful moments in the election

Franken during one of the more playful moments in the election

Remember that election from, like, two, three years back? I think this makes him a Cook County assemblyman or something …

The panel concluded that Franken, a DFLer, “received the highest number of votes legally cast” in the election. Franken emerged from the trial with a 312-vote lead, the court ruled, and “is therefore entitled to receive the certificate of election.”

Speaking to reporters outside his downtown Minneapolis condominium, Franken, flanked by his wife, Franni, said he had “no control” over what Coleman does next but said he would urge his opponent not to appeal, which would delay his certification.

Which would be the point of the appeal, if I’m not mistaken …

 

NYU Accepts Unacceptable Students, Following in Great Tradition of Admitting Me

nyu-mercer-st_4818What is going on in the halls of academe — or at least their cubicles of administration? There seems to be a trend here of colleges sending accepting notices to students they had no intention of accepting.

First it was UC San Diego; now it’s my alma mater, NYU.

NYU says it sent out acceptance e-mails April 1 to 489 applicants to the Robert F. Wagner Graduate School of Public Service. Those applicants should have received rejection letters instead.

But no worries: we were never really in danger of having public service flooded with knotheads, addlepates, and jackanapes. A blast corrective rejection was sent an hour later.

Needless to say, wackiness ensued.

 
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Posted by on April 5, 2009 in Better Never Than Late, I'm with Stupid, Whew That Was Close

 

Some States Weighing Drug Tests for Jobless Bennies, Others Considering Feats of Strength, Coal-Walking, Marathon Viewing of Douglas Sirk Films

new-ez-key-cup-drug-testWait a minute, wait a minute — Congress is doling out dollars like infants do spittle to companies that have been managed worse than Paulie Shore’s film career, yet those who have lost their jobs due to no fault of their own have to prove they’re Boy Scouts to a bureaucracy their taxes fund? What has one thing got to do with another?

Ron Haskins of the centrist Brookings Institution takes issue with lumping jobless benefits with other state benefits.

“Unemployment insurance really is not a welfare program. It’s an insurance program, which means that they’ve paid into the program each month they’ve had earnings,” Haskins said. “Unless we want to cancel insurance policies because someone doesn’t pass a drug test, I think that’s really quite a mistake.”

The government is everywhere — soon, even in your urine!

 
 
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