Dear Ken Ham: Hollywood Has Beaten You to It

So Ken Ham, he of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum, has generated so much positive publicity from the now famous (or infamous) debate with Bill Nye the Science Guy that he is able to move forward with his project to re-create Noah’s Ark.

The Noah’s Ark Encounter was announced in 2010 by Ham but stalled due to insufficient funding, reports Time. That changed after the Feb. 4 debate between Nye and Ham generated widespread attention. According to Associated Press, Nye was “heartbroken and sickened for the commonwealth of Kentucky” following news of the project reaching its funding goal. On Twitter, Nye was skeptical about the funding and questioned where the money came from. . . .

According to a statement from Answers in Genesis, enough money was raised to begin construction of the Ark Encounter in Williamstown, Kentucky. The project will include a 510-foot-long ark and several Biblical attractions including the Tower of Babel and other exhibits.

Those miserable materialist evolutionist atheist communists who have been brainwashed by our bankrupt and overpriced postmodernist culture into believing the opening chapters of Genesis were sanctified myth will now be proved wrong once and for all, because they will be able to see the ark Noah built for themselves — for a nominal fee, presumably, and access to snacks such as Forbidden Fruit Rollups and Mark of Candy Canes.

Unfortunately for Ham and his investors, however, director Darren Aronofsky has stolen his rainbow. In the making of the epic film Noah, Aronofsky and his team re-created the “box” in which Noah (played by Russell Crowe) rode out the flood—to the exact specifications given in the Bible (give or take a cubit, and considerable digital enhancement). It was a box of considerable size, given that the patriarch was to be accompanied by his family, a titanium display case for his high school track medals, an espresso machine (described in the pseudepigraphical Book of Mario, the authenticity of which some have questioned since it was found in an abandoned warehouse in Queens, and on a Kindle), and two of every kind of animal on earth.

Anyway, watch Ham’s own publicity video and judge for yourself who will win the title Coolest Fake Ark Architect. I for one eagerly await the film and amusement-park renditions of the slaughter of the Canaanites and the destruction of Sodom. Fun for the whole family. Assuming you’re the Manson family.

Now some of you (and you know who you are) are no doubt thinking that my tone and cleverly embedded links imply mockery. Well I suggest you stop thinking altogether if that’s the best you can do. I know baboons that can think better than that, and while performing card tricks. Oh how often I am misconstrued by the Pharisees among us, when all I ever wanted from life was to be justly construed. And a pony. And one of those new 4D flatscreen TVs. And a butler. OK, when all is said and done, there’s quite a lot I want out of life. But I ask not to spend on my passions, as the Good Book warns against. I ask so I can drag homeless people from the Amtrak station to the house to gawk at my stuff. Is that so wrong? Envy is the great motivator, as Benjamin Franklin said to his French mistress Chantal. And if I can make some haggard good-for-nothing regret the poor decisions he’s made in life such that he cries out to his Maker for a quick death, am I not a hero? Or at least a sandwich worthy of the earl?

But I digress.

BREAKING: Middle East Bans Noah, Tells Him to Park Ark Elsewhere

“Al-Azhar renews its rejection to the screening of any production that characterizes Allah’s prophets and messengers and the companions of the Prophet [Mohammed]. Therefore, Al-Azhar announces the prohibition of the upcoming film about the Allah’s messenger Noah — peace be upon him.”

This ban does not mean the film will take a major financial hit — The Middle East makes up a very minor portion of the box office returns for most Hollywood movies.

Good to know. Not that anyone is in this for the money.

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2 thoughts on “Dear Ken Ham: Hollywood Has Beaten You to It

    • Fools rush in…

      Nye should have gotten Pat Robertson to help him out in the debate…”the Young Earth Creationism espoused by Ken Ham is just plain ole’ silly. All you have to do is pick up a hand full of dirt, and you’ll see that it’s old.”

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