If I Were Moderator of Tonight’s Debate: My Questions

President Obama:

1. What did five say to six? (Assumes familiarity with numbers in sequence.)

2. If you could be anything other than a really bad president, what would you suck at?

3. Why is the Near East closer to the Far East than the Middle East is, which should be in the middle?

4. If you were a Muslim, how many wives would you embarrass?

5. What is the optimal number of dead Americans?

6. If you apologized for repeatedly apologizing, would that make you really sorry?

7. Who can bench press more, Paul Ryan or Vice President Biden’s ego?

Governor Romney:

1. If you spin around real fast, how many positions can you hold simultaneously?

2. Would you abort Obamacare or put portions up for adoption?

3. How many women does a binder hold? And are your binders made in China? Will your Cabinet consist of formerly bound women?

4. If you were a Mormon, how many wives would you embarrass?

5. If elected, do you promise to eventually think up a budget plan?

6. If you lose the popular vote but win the electoral, will you reconsider your college-loan stance? Assuming you have one?

7. As governor of Massachusetts, you stated flatly that you would close plants that did not meet environmental standards, even if it meant losing jobs, and that taxes should be used to promote energy conservation. If you could go back in time and had only one bullet, who would you shoot: Hitler or your former self?

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