And it’s … John Edwards. Of course it is.
America needs a leader who offers a coherent vision and who appeals to the better angels of our nature. We need a leader who is well-versed in the moral and legal foundations of our freedom and will work to uphold them. In short, this country needs the best man for the job.
And so it is without ambivalence or hesitation that The Onion endorses former U.S. senator John Edwards for president.
Mr. Edwards’ career has not been without its missteps. He has, like all of us at one time or another, made his share of mistakes. His opposition to a nationwide military draft, for instance. In addition, his support for the expansion of immigrants’ rights has angered this newspaper’s editorial board. And yet at each turn, Mr. Edwards has recovered in full, with two feet planted firmly on the ground and his dignity and political acumen intact. He is a man who has learned from adversity, knowing, as any former attorney does, that the strongest individuals are forged through trials by fire.
Furthermore, Mr. Edwards conducted a protracted extramarital affair with a younger woman while his wife was dying of cancer, and we like that he did this. Our reasons for liking that he did this are tenfold.
Read on for the ten folds.
I will announce my candidate for president on November 7. Because I don’t want people voting for her before I do.