“I’m doing pushups right now…in my mind.”

Just kidding. That’s just for the old timers in the group.

It’s actually Michael Phelps, the Olympic swimmer guy who won 18 gold medals. Or so says Men’s Health magazine. Next is Bruce Lee, a no-brainer. Lee kicked both Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s and Chuck Norris’s respective patooties in real movies, not fake life. Third is Arnold, steroids and all. Then “Jumping Jacks” LaLanne. Then Herschel Walker. (Herschel Walker?)

The aforementioned Norris, who as we all know can slam a revolving door, came in at No. 18, two spots ahead of Richard Simmons. (Thank goodness! There was a blood bath we didn’t need.) Sly came in at 12, Muhammad Ali at 15, and Charles Siciliano, aka Charles Atlas, was No. 43.

The latest James Bond? No. 50.

No. 51 is whoever pushes back time one hour every fall. That takes a helluva lot of upper-body strength.

There are five keys to fitness:

1. Ignore everything you read on the Internet.

2. Ignore everything you read in magazines.

3. Ignore everything your doctor tells you, especially since your doctor is probably the single least-fit person you know.

4. Eat 32 times a day to keep the metabolism revved, which burns fat.

5. Remember to walk from the bathroom to the kitchen at least once a day.

Please note: fitness is not the same as health. We used to have this discussion at Men’s Fitness all the time. Fitness is, like, how many pushups you can do. Health is your body’s innate capacity for doing pushups should you be so inclined. We agreed that we’d rather be fit than healthy, although we weren’t sure why.

And then everyone died there.