Glaucoma? I’d like to know who paid for this study. HUH? Who provided the grant money, the funding. Was it those la-di-da, mamby pamby up-your-woopsie, pinkie-flaring Earl Grey–loving tea slurpers? I’ve never heard of something so ridiculous — everyone knows that coffee and chocolate radically reduce your risk of dying from anything. It’s a true fact — look it up!
A group at Harvard School of Public Health — who’d previously conducted a smaller study that associated caffeine with a somewhat increased risk of primary glaucoma– noted that people in Scandinavian countries have the highest rates of exfoliation glaucoma (EG) in the world, and that they also consume the most coffee. In an ongoing search for causes of EG, they suspected the two might be related. That was corroborated by knowledge that caffeine affects levels of homocysteine in our eyes, and that homocysteine levels are often high in people with EG.
A little on EG: The study’s authors note it’s “the leading cause of secondary open-angle glaucoma worldwide.” It accounts for 7-12 percent of glaucoma. As we understand it, EG is due to pigments in your eye coming loose and blocking the flow of liquid out of your eyeball, which leads to increased pressure, changes in the optic nerve, and/or vision problems. A diagnosis of EG doesn’t mean vision loss, though.
Lots of research on the causes of EG is happening. The stated purpose of this study was to look at risk factors for developing it.
The stated purpose, mind. What was the unstated purpose? To deprive us of one of the few unmitigated joys in life, that’s what.
Please note: Harvard School of Public Health. That’s all you need to know. Harvard. Public. Buncha filthy communists who can’t stand the fact that people might like to relax every now and again with a few thousand milligrams of caffeine flavored with a pinch of artificial Hazelnut and a splash of Sumatra. Heaven forbid we’re all not bawling our glaucoma-free eyes out 24/7 over the melting ice caps and carbon footprints and imminent extinction of the Tasmanian devil. Or fast asleep while these jackanapes take over the world and raid our cupboards of our Keurigs and our psyches of our will to live.
Oh, and what’s this? Starbucks is experiencing a pumpkin latte shortage. Coincidence? I think not.
Something evil this way comes. And it ain’t Dunkin’ Donuts.