I’m 84% certain that Buckwheat is not running for president.

I’d like people to think they’re getting what they pay for at Strange Herring, and so consider the following post in that light.

We’ve become so accustomed to thinking in terms of two parties that giving serious consideration to a third-party candidate is tantamount to moving to Bolivia and being done with it. But I say a principled vote for a candidate who will most certainly lose is better than a reflexive vote for a loser.

None of the candidates listed below may represent principles you’d necessarily want to be associated with. Or the candidates themselves may just may creep you out. Nevertheless, Mental Floss brought them to my attention. And you should floss daily. (Please note that these candidates are not on the ballot in every state. But you knew that.)

1. Jeff Boss. Conspiracy nut job. Thinks the NSA engineered 9/11. The idea that any agency of the federal government could have pulled off such an operation is ludicrous on its face. None of the planes would have gotten off the ground, or they would have ended up flying into the Eiffel Tower.

2. Jill Reed. Here’s her motto: “Bootstraps, Grassroots and a Suitcase: They’ve Got Millions of Dollars, But I’ve Got Millions of You.” And I’ve got a bridge to sell to you.

3. Jerry Litzel. I am fascinated by monomaniacs. So, if you put a gun to my head, and I absolutely positively had to vote for one of these folks, I guess it would be Jerry. You see, he collects presidential memorabilia. And he’s running for office so his own crap paraphernalia can become part of his own collection. Neat, huh? He’s “very conservative,” which can mean a lot of things. Some good. Some scary. All depends on what you want to conserve. I mean, other than his stuff.

4. Temperance Lancecouncil. (Oh like your name is so hot.) Allow me to cut and paste directly from Temperance’s own Mission Statement: “WHO THE HECK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE and WHY IS ONE OF THEIR PRIMARY GOALS IN THIS WALK OF LIFE TO BELITTLE, DESTROY, PUMMEL, MOCK, BERATE and HUMILIATE OTHER HUMANS, WHEN THEY THEMSELVES KNOW IN THEIR HEART’S, THAT THEIR HEART’S ARE MADE OF SLUSHY HYPOCRISY?” Who are “they”? Why, the hypocrites. And Temperance is of the anti-hypocrisy party. I, however, believe that hypocrisy is the tribute vice pays to virtue, as Oscar Wilde or Edmund Burke said. I say, take the tribute where you can.

5. Terry Jones. Yes, that Terry Jones. The Baptist preacher who believes burning the Koran is the best way to promote the Gospel. He is available on no ballots in no states. He’s pro-hemp. He’s anti-sanity.

6. Randall Terry. The pro-life activist who’s also enjoyed a very  interesting” personal life, and I’m using “interesting” as in the Chinese proverb “May you live in interesting times.”

7. Samm Tittle. She’s one of us. Well, you. From her “Letter to America”: Dear America, Because I love you so much and you are a People, a Belief, a Constitution and a Realization of a free and liberated way of living, consider this your personal letter to you, each and every one of you; so that you can understand how I made the choice that is right for America.  For this Country America, that we both love so much must have someone who is not afraid of the masses in detail, that will Stand up for America. I accept the nomination for the Presidency of the United States of America. I accept the nomination for the Presidency of the United States of America. 

Now who can argue with that?

8. Dean Morstad. Actually seems normal. Dull, but normal. But I may be mistaken. So if it turns out he eats Irish babies, I don’t want to hear about it.

9. Jack Fellure. Normally, the Prohibition Party candidate would be my guy. But Fellure seems to have a Two Kingdoms problem. As in, he doesn’t recognize them: My Presidential Campaign Platform is the Authorized 1611 King James Bible. God Almighty wrote that Book as the supreme constitution and absolute authority in the affairs of all men for all time and eternity. It shall never be necessary to change it. Quality leather bound copies of this Bible have been sent to the Presidential Office, the Supreme Court, the Senate, the House of Representatives, the National Republican Party, the National Democratic Party, and the Federal Election Commission. 

So long as they’re “quality” leather.

Oh well, I still say, demon rum—it’s what’s for sinners.