Beware These Hateful, Bigoted Bullies

I’m 84% certain he is not really Amish.

I mean, of course, the Amish. Not all the Amish, mind. Just the beard cutters.

The Beard Cutters of Lancaster County. Sounds creepy, doesn’t it? Right up there with Texas Chainsaw Beard Cutters. Lock your doors. Keep the little ones inside. Pray like you’ve never prayed before.

And whatever you do—don’t answer the phone!

I don’t know why, I just know that whenever they answer the phone, someone dies in those movies. Plus, the Amish don’t have phones. So it’s probably one of those obnoxious robocalls. And you just sat down to dinner…

Anyway,Sam Mullet (I heard that) has been found guilty of—no, not wearing a mull——Stop giggling! This is serious!

A jury convicted Amish bishop Samuel Mullet of federal hate crimes today for exhorting his followers to forcibly shear the beards and hair of perceived enemies in other Amish communities.

The jury of seven men and five women also convicted 15 members of Mullet’s splinter sect for their roles in the attacks. …

Defense lawyers called no witnesses, but argued that the beard-cutting raids never reached the severity of a hate crime, which required a religious motive and bodily injury, including disfigurement, for a conviction.

They argued that love and compassion drove the hair-cutting conflicts, which were intended to compel the victims to return to a conservative Amish lifestyle.

Beards and long hair are sacred symbols of Amish followers’ devotion to God, and to cut them is humiliating.

Oh sure, it’s all love and compassion—until somebody pokes their eye out.

We’ve come to expect disgraceful behavior from bishops. But to cut a man’s beard—when he’s not even Italian. So wrong. So wrong.

Is there no place of refuge from such hateful behavior? Have even our buggy-dragging, bowl-cut-wearing, zipperless friends of the simple life succumbed to violence as a means of settling fraternal disputes?

In the words of St. Randolph the Fey Lutist, “Can’t we all just get along, ye?”

I would not leave you in a funk, so try this: there is now an app that let’s you completely delete Chris Brown from the Internet.

Now if only they had something like that for cable news…

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2 Responses to Beware These Hateful, Bigoted Bullies

  1. Pingback: Breakaway Amish cult leader charged with hate-crimes « Patriactionary

  2. Lars Walker says:

    They just want some respect from the mainstream media. Their problem is half-measures. You’ve got to cut some heads off, blow stuff up to earn your street cred as a religion of peace.

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