Leader of the Occupy Rome movement: “The plutocrats will learn that blood turns the wheels of history! And a little WD-40 never hurts either!”
Aaron Black rose through the ranks of the unemployed squatters and screamers that comprise the Occupy Wall Street movement through hard work, diligence, audacity, imagination, and because everyone else was too busy finding a warm place to relieve themselves. Now he’s calling it quits. He’s finished Through. Kaput. He’s done all he can to make 99% of the country feel like they’ve been done wrong by 1%, which is really sad odds, man.
It’s wearing him out, you see. He protested Wall Street. He protested the Koch Brothers. He protested the Republican Convention. He supports Barack Obama, who gave awesome cabinet positions to card-carrying members of the 1%. And now it’s all going to poop, what with arrests and bad press and mixed messages and rapes in the park and Bloomberg giving him the evil eye.
The Daily Caller took time to speak with Mr. Black before the curtain dropped:
[Black] had time to greet friends and walk around, but on the edge of the park, Black told TheDC he was frustrated.
“I’m tired of this,” he said, as the clock neared midnight.
“I’m tired of them,” he said, pointing to the remaining contingent of Occupiers in the park.
“I’m tired of them,” he said, pointing to the NYPD.
“I’m tired of this whole [really naughty word] thing.”
Black said he remains open to organizing a protest around the presidential debates, but he didn’t sound convinced of himself. He also said he might start his own “org” — a nonprofit organization.
It seems that there will be no gold watch after his year of service:
To anarchist insiders who hate both political parties, he represents the Democratic Party’s co-opting of Occupy Wall Street.
Woopsie. Nevertheless, I’m sure Mr. Black is destined to go on to bigger and louder things.
So it seems that there’s a position open for Head Occupier. All of you who have lost Hope over the past four years, get out your resumes. I’m going to help you land that job you’ve always dreamed of—you can make your own hours, dress is casual, you get to work outdoors and meet groovy people. Your DNA will be secured in a police databank for future reference.
Quick aside: As with so many things in this world, I actually thought of this whole Occupy business first. It was back in the summer of 2009. Only my movement was called Preoccupy. It was my intention to preoccupy the depressed masses with shallow entertainments, baked goods, balloon animals, and kites, and so divert their attention from how miserable they were.
At first, it was just me and my third bestest friend, Dale, Preoccupying a part of the Bowery no one goes to anymore. Of course, as with all truly revolutionary movements, Preoccupy was co-opted by forces intent on using the power of the nasally whine to annoy their way into the halls of large office buildings for a quick wee.
But I’m not bitter.
Be that as it may, here is my advice for putting together a winning resume if you’re going to lead the Occupy movement and usher in a reign of error:
NAME: A pseudonym would be best. Worked for Stalin (“Man of Steel”), Lenin (“Love Me, Love My Van Dyke”), and Mao (“Mao”). Prometheus is a tad pretentious. Try something blunt, like Pfft.
ADDRESS: Remember, you must identify with the people whose grievances you’re taking to the Man, so “Refrigerator box in the parking lot next to the Staples.”
EXPERIENCE: “Slept through Iraq and Afghanistan wars…blame my parents for my inability to love unconditionally…threw a rock at a Republican while waiting in line to see Jersey Boys.”
SPECIAL SKILLS: “Can scream Hey, man, get offa me! in three languages…can lug all my earthly belongings in a body cavity…Word/Excel…”
REFERENCES: “Earl, Missy, that guy over there…”
ULTIMATE GOALS: “To redistribute the wealth of this nation so that everyone has exactly $16,000 and no more. And when that’s gone I don’t know what the hell…”
Good luck, my hapless friends. And to cheer you on, allow me to introduce, Mr. Bob Seger!!!!!!!!!!!
