PersonalWeb claims it patented this too.

So PersonalWeb Technologies, a company no one has ever heard of, is suing Facebook, Apple, Yahoo, Microsoft, and IBM. And that’s only because Ra, Egyptian God of the Sun, was beyond its jurisdiction.

The lawsuits assert a grab-bag of patents covering everything from search to internet services to storage. For example, PersonalWeb says that Apple’s iTunes and iCloud services violate six data-processing, and access-control patents it holds.

Confusingly, PersonalWeb has also sued cloud hosting company Rackspace, saying that the company’s “Rackspace Cloud Servers and GitHub Code Hosting Service” violate its patents. GitHub and Rackspace are two separate companies, although GitHub — a provider of source code management and collaborative software development services — is a customer of Rackspace’s.

“It’s apparent that the people filing the suit don’t understand the technology or the products enough to realize that Rackspace Cloud Servers and GitHub are completely different products from different companies,” said Rackspace Chief Technology Officer John Engates in an email.

Engates called PersonalWeb “a patent troll looking for a settlement.” …

Last December, PersonalWeb sued another six technology giants, citing the same patent portfolio. They are Google, Hewlett-Packard’s Autonomy division, EMC, Amazon, NetApp, and Caringo, a storage software company.

Now, what really caught my eye was the phrase “patent troll.”

I have finally found my true calling.

For years, I have sat quietly by while behemoths of government and the business world have blatantly ripped off idea after idea. But that ends day after tomorrow depending on whether my sciatica is acting up. In any event, I have informed my lawyer, Benjamin Savanarola, who I keep on retainer 24/7, to proceed with filings against:

The U.S. Government: for infringing on my patent for “unsustainable debt levels.”

Timex: for infringing on my patent for “3:45 p.m.”

Texas Instruments: for infringing on my patent for “musical brass jug”

The United Nations: for infringing on my patent for “risible tin-pot dictators flailing their arms about like idiots”

Ikea: for infringing on my patent for “always being one hex screw short”

I will keep you apprised of any progress we make in the courts…