Vitamins: Nature’s way of saying “Consume more plastic.”

So a study that evaluated the findings of a bunch of other studies seems to imply if correctly interpreted that taking fish oil for the Omega 3 fatty acids does nothing to protect you against heart attack or stroke.

For years, major health and medical organizations have recommended fish oil supplements rich in omega-3s to reduce the threat of heart disease. In Europe, where support is particularly enthusiastic, a doctor’s failure to recommend the supplements is viewed by some as bordering on malpractice.

But several recent studies have raised questions about the benefits of fish oil, sparking no small amount of confusion. A report published Wednesday in the Journal of the American Medical Assn. clouded the picture further by concluding that omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids did not lower the risk ofheart attack, stroke or premature death.

The study, by medical researchers at the University of Ioannina in Greece, did not involve a new clinical trial of the supplement. Instead, it reexamined the results of 20 previous studies dating back to 1989 that included nearly 70,000 patients.

Among other observations, study authors said that early trials of omega-3 supplements and cardiovascular health “showed strong, significant effect.” However, as more randomized studies were performed, “the effect became weaker and nonsignificant.”

“Nonsignificant,” which is not to be confused with “unsignificant” or “insignificant” or its close cousin “anti-significant.”

O when will we learn that you can glean any result you want from a study if you drink enough Tequila beforehand.

Confession time: I have spent an extraordinary amount of time haunting health food stores, vitamin shops, and even vegan restaurants in my day, looking for the elixir of longevity. I have consumed more vegicaps, protein supplements, meat substitutes, and antioxidants than can be healthy for anyone. And then one day I had an epiphany, almost a revelation, half an afflatus, just short of an unveiling.

Who the hell wants to live any longer?

Suddenly, it was as if the heavens had opened and I was surrounded by a bright light and a sensation came over me that I have never experienced before or since, as a voice—both familiar and distant—boomed from beyond:

“Barbecue sauce.”

I have been free of the vain and futile ways of the quacks ever since.

I now eat only foods devoid of any nutritional value, and my energy levels and sense of well-being have never been better which is probably the caffeine.

I would wish the same for you, my friends: COME OUT! COME OUT FROM AMONG THE CHARLATANS AND WITCH DOCTORS, MOUNTEBANKS AND CHIROPRACTORS! COME OUT AND ENJOY THE SWEET SENSATION OF CHICKEN FRIED STEAK FRIES! COME OUT AND KNOW THE WONDERS OF SPAM COATED BACON GREASE PANINI CAKE! LIVE, I TELL YOU, LIVE!

Although I do hear leeches are making a comeback…