It’s the diagonal that makes all the difference.

So WWII code-breaking legend Alan Turing used to play Monopoly with the kids of a colleague while working at Bletchley Park in the 1950s. Which is really boring. Except that the kids used to beat the guy whose nickname was “The Father of Computer Science.”

[Mathematician Max] Newman’s son William, then a teenager, once made a makeshift version of a Monopoly board featuring not only the familiar layout, but also some additions — including a diagonal path on the board that, one theory goes, might have prevented Turing from concocting a mathematical strategy that would have won the game for him.

That theory exists because Turing lost the game. To kids.

Now, it’s been a long time since I’ve played Monopoly. My board game of choice is Diagnosis, in which players move cast-iron wheelchairs and gurneys around a board configured like a public hospital. Certain obstacles must be overcome, like drunken surgeons, sadistic nurses, blood-stained floors, and used needles and cotton swabs, until one either is correctly diagnosed and released alive or can construct a viable malpractice suit. Most lucrative diagnoses are Dupuytren’s Contracture and Aplastic Pneumococcus Gonorrhea, which can only be contracted by having unprotected sex with a 16th century succubus named Carmella.

My point being, I don’t see how being a mathematical supergenius necessarily makes you a great Monopoly player. You may just not have a head for business.

A new version of Monopoly based on the Bletchley Park knockoff edition is now available for purchase.

I’m 67% certain that this is not the iPhone 5 but a prison guard’s imaginary friend.

And now for the really important news: I am ditching the Crackberry for the iPhone 5. I will finally be able to access the Web from my phone without having to borrow someone else’s phone and making believe it’s my phone.

This guy has a list of must-haves before he donates his Droid to the Museum of Apple Ripoffs—stuff like bigger screen, better resolution, 4G LTE, etc. Coming from a Blackberry, I have more modest requests:

1. The keyboard must have a number 5.

2. When I say “Hello” into the phone, someone must respond on the other end who isn’t me on my own voicemail.

3. The screen must be large enough to watch movies but small enough that, if I watch Avatar, I won’t see most of it.

4. I should be able to get a signal in an oil drum 500 feet below ground during a tornado. While on fire. With a dead battery. In Chad. (Yes, I know this is a function of the service provider, but I don’t care. I will always blame the phone.)

5. I want the ability to download apps that enable me to lock out services that enable me to download apps.

It should also shoot lasers, read minds, and extract gold from people’s teeth.

Other than that, I’m not fussy.

BREAKING: Apple sues Polish online grocery site for selling apples!