‘A Hearse! A Hearse! My Kingdom for a Hearse!’

So archaeologists think they have found the remains of King Dick 3, the Hunchback of Bosworth Field, beneath a parking lot (or “car park,” as the Englishers say in their strange dialect) in Leicester.

The English king died at the battle of Bosworth in 1485.

A dig under a council car park in Leicester has found remains with spinal abnormalities and a “cleaved-in skull” that suggest it could be Richard III.

The University of Leicester will now test the bones for DNA against descendants of Richard’s family.

Professor Lin Foxhall, head of the university’s School of Archaeology, said: “Archaeology almost never finds named individuals — this is absolutely extraordinary.

“Although we are far from certain yet, it is already astonishing.”

A university spokesperson said the evidence included signs of a peri-mortem (near-death) trauma to the skull and a barbed iron arrow head in the area of the spine.

I’ll tell you what’s astonishing: this miserable concatenation of lies. The body of Richard III is on exhibit here, in Wilmington, Delaware, in our popular Museum of Tedious Oddities. The remains of the Plantagenet king were donated by a well-traveled, well-heeled local eccentric named Karl Danzinger Burffle, whose personal collection of rare items included the Holy Grail, the Lost City of Atlantis, and a Democrat in favor of voter-ID laws.

“Our” Richard III was authenticated by the International Institute of Authenticating Things and bears the seal “REAL DEAD BODY.” Also, “our” Richard clearly died, not from a head wound, but from bulimia-inspired aspiration of vomitus, which is a real thing.

So ignore what you read in a mainstream media biased against the First State because of our measly representation in the Electoral College and inability to generate a radio signal strong enough to make it out of the WDEL car park…

This entry was posted in As Dead as the Macarena, The Next Thing You'll Be Telling Me Is That Wrestling Is Fake. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to ‘A Hearse! A Hearse! My Kingdom for a Hearse!’

  1. Lars Walker says:

    Not only that. It’ll be winter soon. I’m discontented.

  2. Pingback: Finding Richard III

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