They will not be at TEDx. I’m 84% certain.

You know about the TED conferences, don’t you? I mean, my reading audience is in the know, with it, on the cutting edge. You think outside the box, you push the envelope, you shove the Bunsen burner, you lick the face of indifference (I have no idea what that means).

You’re just staring blankly at the screen, aren’t you, making those fish lips like you do…

OK, TED stands for the Tedious Elect Damned. (And no, this is not something John Piper dreamed up.) Twice a year, once in Long Beach/Palm Springs and once in Scotland, speakers from all walks of life mount a stage and proceed to pontificate on subjects so complex that they can only make a botch of it, actually subtracting from the sum total of human knowledge and leaving their auditors calamitously misinformed. (The hosts refer to these disquisitions as Ideas Worth Spreading, you know, like DDT and bike lanes.)

Well, the Vatican wants in. So they’re staging a Teddy all it’s own. Only with a difference—the X factor. When you see TEDx, that means the conference is independently organized and not to be confused with official TEDs, which also award the TED Prize—$100,000 to that individual who has managed to con some old rich guy into believing windmills are the next big thing in powering iPads.

The Vatican’s TEDx will focus on religious freedom and will feature great thinkers on the subject: Gloria Estafan, Usain Bolt, and Vlade Divac (I have no freaking idea, what do you want from me, I didn’t invite these people, I just read it on the thing—you know, the thing—bring it up with the pope, like I’ve got his cell number of something…).

So if you have nothing to do April 19, 2012 2013, from 8:30am to 7pm, Vatican City time, drop on by. The food should be yummy, and I’m sure they’ll be glad to see ya.

Just don’t wear a teddy, ’cause you’ll just upset people with your nonsense.