“I vow to bring an end to water from the sky,” declaimed Mitt Romney from an undisclosed location. “Water from the sky is the inevitable result of four years of the Obama administration’s wrongheaded fiscal policies.” Paul Ryan was unavailable for comment but was reported “OK” after an altercation with a homeless person he was trying to light on fire.
Who shall we thank that the usual nonsense has been eviscerated from history’s memory bank before it was able to make a deposit? A spiteful Mother Nature, angry at the supposed war on women? Or Lady Fortune, who chose to smile on those of us who would rather have their eyes melted on a griddle than watch the self-congratulatory spectacle of politicians blathering on about subjects they know less than nothing about?
While the pork pull and midget toss have been postponed till Thursday, and the A-list celebs (“Slappy” from Hee Haw, Kirk Cameron, and the pace car from the 1996 Daytona 500) will probably be forced to stare blankly into the cameras during one of the overnight slots, the National Debt Clock will, in fact, start ticking today — at $15.9 trillion. (Yes, that’s trillion,with a WTF?)
When asked what the Lord had in store for the Democrats, seer and TV mogul Pat Robertson replied that he was not in a position to speculate, as he and the Almighty were still in negotiations.
Don’t get me wrong: I’d vote for a maggoty leprous foot before I’d pull the lever for Obama/Biden. But I have about as much confidence in the Republicans as I do in shark cartilage to cure cancer. That leaves me with Jack Fellure, successor to the noble Gene Amondson, or the wan hope of an incursion into domestic American affairs by the Danish Union of Conscientiously Work-Shy Elements. (I know, I know, Sacramone, you dreamer…)