Tim Cook, Apple CEO and successor of the late Steve Jobs, shot off an email to Apple employees in light of the most recent very favorable court ruling. We at Strange Herring, who toil 24/7/365/3score10 for you, happened to have happened upon the “original” draft of that email, as well as the final version that was made public.

Below is a synthesis of the two drafts, presented in the interest of getting inside the mind of a great businessman and a great tech company. And because Saturdays are usually pretty slow, blogging-wise.

Today was an important day for Apple and for me and our stock price innovators everywhere.

Many of you have been closely following the trial against Samsung in San Jose for the past few decades weeks. We chose legal action with orgasmic glee such that I had to change my pants twice very reluctantly and only after repeatedly threatening asking Samsung to stop acting like Apple in the 1980s copying our work. For us this lawsuit has always been about money, gobs and gobs of money, and control, and money, and punishing our enemies, and money something much more important than patents or money. It’s about reveling in the agony of other values. We value taking credit for your work originality and innovation and pour your lives into making the most expensive best products on earth with the possible exception of that Alienware crap. And we do this to delight our stockholders customers, not for competitors to flagrantly copy like we did that college’s kid WIFI Sync.

We owe a debt of gratitude to our slavishly devoted sycophants the jury who invested their college money time in buying our overpriced aluminum toys listening to our story. We were thrilled to finally have the opportunity to destroy one more competitor, the way Bill used to tell it. The testimony of Sal from Astoria and two ex-girlfriends mountain of evidence presented during the trial showed that Samsung’s copying went far deeper than a paid informant in the company divulged even to me in that underground parking lot we knew. The jury has now been paid off with new iPhones spoken. We applaud them for finding Samsung’s behavior typical of this industry willful and for sending a loud and clear message that stealing isn’t right unless you can get away with it.

I am very proud of the work that our lawyers each of you do.

Today, money talks and bullshit walks values have won and I hope the whole world buys the iPad mini even if it has no conceivable use for it listens.

Tim