So Mashable, the go-to website for all things social media, which is just another way of saying please spare me, has broken this story that threatens to secure Mitt Romney the presidency:

President Obama has nearly 19 million Twitter followers, but 70%, or approximately 13 million of them, are fake or “inactive,” according to a new analysis.

About 30% of Obama’s followers — or 5.7 million — were labeled as fake by the analysis, while nearly 40% were found to be inactive.

Mitt Romney’s Twitter account, meanwhile, has less than 900,000 followers according to the analysis, but only 15% of them, or about 135,000, are considered fakes and 31%, or about 270,000, are seen as inactive.

So Obama is the bigger fake, or rather, is followed by more fakes. (And by “inactive,” I assume they mean “unemployed.”)

But — what if this story is a fake?

Strange Herring has committed to sparing no expense in digging deeper into this controversy. We have contacted some of the premier investigative reporters of our time to uncover any and all inaccuracies in the original reporting of this revelatory bombshell. Unfortunately, none of those reporters had ever heard of this website and promptly hung up on our executive administrative assistant, Miss Lillian Phftt, of Yonkers, New York.

We intend to pursue this story wherever it leads, until the true truth is uncovered or we become so unutterably bored by the whole thing we just call it a day. Probably the latter.

In other news, Lance Armstrong has been stripped of all his clothing for being a dope and drinking juice. Why, I never . . .