Robert DeNiro does not live in Delaware. But Aubrey Plaza did.

That’s right! My new hometown is officially THE MOST DANGEROUS CITY IN AMERICA, as determined unofficially by Parenting.com.

Wilmington managed to snag the number one spot on our list for highest rate of violent crimes per 100,000 people. And while the overall state of Delaware ranked number moderately well in the peace index (which looked at factors such as police per capita, percentage of population behind bars and access to small arms), Wilmington came in the top spot for sex offenders per capita.

So, we’re not merely a tourist trap for murderers — we’ve also captured the sex-offender market!

Delaware is a very blue state (home of VP Joe Biden) with relatively strict gun-control laws. And yet, I’ve been murdered twice just sitting here typing out this post. What gives? If guns don’t kill people (pace the Left), and people don’t kill people (pace the Right), I guess people here in Wilmington just drop dead at alarming rates for no good reason whatsoever.

Lest you be left with the wrong impression: Delaware affords many lovely cultural institutions. For example, there’s the Delaware Museum of Natural History, an 80-sq.-ft. thing of beauty that boasts its world-renowned exhibits “Bird” and “Rock” (“Paper” and “Scissors” were returned to their original home, Brucie’s basement.)

There’s also the Brandywine Valley school of art, but most of the museums that feature, say, the Wyeths are in southern Pennsylvania. As is Amish country, and of course Philadelphia, with all that history and some really neat artsy-fartsy movies theaters.

Maybe that should be the new state motto: “Delaware: We’re Really Close to Pennsylvania.” Right now it’s “The First State.” But given that we’re now the “first state to come to if you want your head blown off,” I suggest we consider something else.

Other neat ideas include:

“Delaware: The State You Pass Through to Get to Baltimore.”

or

“Delaware: Yeah, Christine O’Donnell Is One of Ours. And She’s Not a Witch. So Stop Saying She Is.”

or

“Delaware: We’ll Kill You and Rape Your Dog.”

We do have hope that the mayoral election will turn things around.

That was the punchline. In case you were wondering.

UPDATE: Turns out we’re also No. 3 in smut! But hey — give us time! Assuming all the dirtbags don’t off each other, I’m sure we’ll remain competitive for that hotly contested No. 1 slot. Disney World, here we come!