An Ikea dining room table/chastity belt made of 100% real stuff.

Ikea, which is Swedish for “disposable and interchangeable,” is going to design and construct a district in the German city of Hamburg. Why? Because Bangladesh said no.

Swedish furniture giant Ikea announced plans on Wednesday to build a brand-new district with shops, flats and office space for thousands of people in the northern German city of Hamburg.

“We want to build a new city district for the benefit of Hamburg,” Harald Mueller, head of the firm’s property subsidiary Landprop, told the local paper, the Hamburger Abendblatt.

Ah, good to know. I thought they had something against Hamburg and were determined to humiliate its inhabitants. (BTW: Hamburger Abendblatt is German for “I will gladly pay you Tuesday.”)

It gets worse. Eastenders will now film in an Ikea district all its own:

The Hamburger Abendblatt said the project would run along similar lines to a planned development in eastern London for which Ikea is preparing to build around 1,200 flats, offices, hotels and shops.

If you’re going to pull a stunt like this, why not go Italian? Sure, it’ll cost a hundred million billion trillion euros, and there will be 82 strikes, and it will be delayed three generations, but at least you’ll wind up with something classy.

And this is just the public restroom.

I eagerly await entire cities, nay, nations designed and furnished entirely by Mar-Stans Unpainted Furniture: “If it’s painted, it’s not ours. Hence the name.”