Darn them to heck! I had a nice side income selling spells, curses, magical incantations, psychic readings, faith healings, and messages from the dead on eBay—and now they say my entire inventory is banned!

Among the items that will be taken down and prohibited from August 30, 2012, are “advice; spells; curses; hexing; conjuring; magic; prayers; blessing services; magic potions; healing sessions; work from home businesses and information; wholesale lists, and drop shop lists.”

Potions and tarot readings will also take a hit, and a community of buyers is up in arms at the prospect. A petition, “Don’t ban our psychics on eBay” was published on August 11, 2012 and has so far gained 1,009 signatures. The premise of the petition is that eBay’s perception of what makes an “intangible,” and therefore unviable product, may not be the same for an entire community of people who regularly pick up charms and blessings on the site.

And by the way, the guy selling the “vampire mistress sex spirit” stole that idea from me. In fact, it was the focus of my senior thesis in college: “Vampire Mistress Sex Spirits in the Treaty of Westphalia.”

I blame this overly  culture of ours. If you can’t sell intangibles, then all you’re left with is what Big Business has to peddle: gadgets and overpriced fashion and skis. But a genuine Sicilian curse? That comes from the heart. You can’t commoditize that. You can’t put a price on it, although $35 will ensure that your boss is swallowed whole by his own transverse colon.

And for the record, two of my prayers—one for the conversion of Russia into a kleptocracy, the other that our national debt would skyrocket to record proportions—paid for my Macbook Air.

I weep for our world.