So some lowlife broke into the house of the late Steve Jobs and stole, among other things, his iPad, which he “gave’ to a friend, Kenny the Clown.
Professional entertainer “Kenny the Clown” reportedly received the hot iPad from a friend, 35-year-old Kariem McFarlin, who has confessed to the crime and is being held in jail in lieu of bail before he appears in court on Monday.
Jobs’ Palo Alto home was robbed on July 17 of more than $60,000 in computers and other items, the Santa Clara County District Attorney’s office revealed on Tuesday. The burglar was caught only after powering up the computers he had snatched, which communicated with Apple servers for updates. That process alerted Apple security people and the local police, who tracked the stolen goods to the source.
As we know, circus clowns are Satan’s minions. They terrorize children, murder young women in their underwear as they run through suburban developments, and hold public office in a suffocating grip. They ruin perfectly bad paintings and think throwing pails of confetti on the elderly constitutes a “vocation.”
As bad as all that, nothing, absolutely nothing, is a horrifying as a clown with a stolen iPad, a certain sign of the impending Apocalypse. In fact, as St. Augustine wrote in his treatise A Cloaca for Danny, “And the Antichrist shall bear a white tablet, and damn if he will not exceed his data package.” St. Jerome added, “As foretold in the Book of Joel, the fourth horsemen shall be he who grouseth about his netbook.” (OK, I’m not 100% certain about the authenticity of that last one.)
Woe to the unconverted! Woe to the enemies of light! Woe to Korazin and Slappy, late of the Ed Sullivan Show! You must recompense the producers for all those dropped plates!
OK, I have got to get some rest now. It’s been a helluva day…