Tobacco companies knew their product contained polonium-120, which is radioactive and causes cancerous growths in the lungs, as early as 1959 but covered it up, insisting they thought it was a special vitamin that gave you superpowers, like the ability to hack phlegm with shotgun-like velocity.

Michael Moore joins those protesting the rich on Wall Street, who turn on celebrity and beat him senseless until police come and drag his carcass away to cheers. Sorry. I was just thinking out loud.

Jimmy Carter, your malaise is ready, aisle 8: The president says America has gone soft. Does he mean in the head? Because, I was thinking the same thing about three years ago.

Should we fear China’s first space station? Yes. I don’t know why. But I fear General Tso’s chicken to such an abnormal degree that I will build a fort made entirely of pork to protect me from its deleterious effects should someone at the same table order it.

Cantaloupes are killing people left and right. You never hear these kinds of gruesome stories about Kit-Kat bars.

The First Lady was caught shopping at Target. Never too early to economize.

Unpaid interns on the 2010 Natalia Portman film Black Swan are suing the studio because they were made to do things that their employers derived some “immediate advantage” from. Can’t have that. More likely they were made to do things, full stop, when they thought they were going to just hang out and ogle Natalie Portman.

Looks like the iPod Classic is headed for the dustbin of history. Keep an eye out for the new iCephalopod. It’s just like the iPod you know only it has a bladder-like renal sac and bilateral body symmetry. Starts at $99.

And finally, in Tennessee, teachers are forbidden to bow their heads in silent prayer, even if students come at them with a knife. The ACLU insists it will know when they’re praying and when they’re just looking at the blood pooling at their feet.