The destructive capacity of fascism, including the left-wing variety, is well-documented. Little did we know it is also responsible for early-onset dementia. I’m sure Chavez’s buddies Sean Penn and Oliver Stone were just joshing him about this one, but ideologues are not known for their senses of humor.

I have always said, heard, that it would not be strange that there had been civilization on Mars, but maybe capitalism arrived there, imperialism arrived and finished off the planet,” Chavez said in speech to mark World Water Day.

Chavez, who also holds capitalism responsible for many of the world’s problems, warned that water supplies on Earth were drying up.

I have begun hoarding bottles of Evian just in case he’s right. Damn plutocrats. Hey, wait a minute—I bet they destroyed life on Pluto, too! That’s how they got that name! They cratted all over Pluto! It’s all making sense now…