Elders of Zion Announce Retirement, Fail to Put Out a Decent Nosh for Press

You’re going to invite people over, you put out a little something–a snack, a cookie, SOMETHING.

Hilarious spoof.

First I joined the great theocon conspiracy to take over the world, with headquarters at FIRST THINGS magazine, only to learn their “conspiracy” consisted of reasoned discourse in the public square. Great. In the end, all I got for my trouble was a lousy T-shirt.

So I figured I’d give the great Jewish banking conspiracy a try — now I read they’re retiring.

Lutherans I know tried to conspire, but couldn’t agree on what, and even if they could, they had already decided that it shouldn’t interfere with bowling night, and that “conspiracy” might look bad on your permanent record, whoever was still keeping such a thing, plus even the best-planned conspiracy can always get out of hand and then they get noisy and they hate noise, so they all had a beer and went to bed.

I finally got some Italians together, who know how to put together a good conspiracy, only the two most prominent members spent the evening debating who was hotter, Alyssa Milano or Christina Ricci, until a fight broke out and the zabaglione went all over, then Bruno’s mother came storming up to the room and started screaming about the mess, then we all got kicked out. Then we sang some songs, got into another fight over who was a better singer, Jon Bon Jovi or Bruce Springsteen, then the police came around, both of whom were cousins of two of our members, then they got into a fight over who was a better TV cop, Baretta or Columbo, then someone pointed out that Columbo was a detective, not a street cop, then another guy took offense, then we sang some more songs, then Bruno’s mother screamed out the window to shut the hell up or she was coming out there with the broom, I said “Not the broom!” She said, “The broom.” I said “Not the broom!” She said “The broom!” Then we all agreed this was a really stupid idea and went home.

I CANNOT CATCH A BREAK.

Via Mark Shea