Don’t bother! It is not worth the effort!

Any 3-year-old who has bothered to read my long-published works knows that I am what is commonly known as a team player. Not for me to stand out from the crowd, to buck trends, to be a contararian.

So, in my communitarian attempt to get with the “green” program you 21st-century Americans obsess over, I agreed to go paperless when it came to paying my bills — which I pay on time, BTW, never abusing the grace period!

Online only! Electric, gas, Internet, cable, Netflix, checking account, Chico’s InstaBrew — all of it online only!

But what do I receive again in the mail? Letters from all of the above informing me that I am now paperless! And this — on paper!

And I receive these notices every month. Some jackanapes with the IQ of a pinwheel hat actually sends out letters informing customers that they will no longer be receiving letters.

I have now changed my preferences again. Not only do I want paper bills, I also want written notices informing me that my paper bills will be arriving on paper. Which I will reply to on paper, which will be followed up with short notes informing the utilities to anticipate my payment on paper on paper. Boxed in cardboard! Filled with styrofoam peanuts doused in melamine!

If I could blog on paper, I would. I believe this was once possible. It was something called a newspaper column. But I may be mistaken.